Hi Adam,

I just lost my Father two weeks ago. I feel EXACTLY the same as you do. I can tell you that 100%.

Its an awful feeling. My Dad was my saftey net, the one I could turn to for advise. We did everthing together, he was my business partner, my best friend, my adviser, and now he's gone. The plaster has been completely ripped off and now you feel so isolated and alone. 

You're totally crushed, helpless, and you don't see how you can go another day without him with you. I know, im the same and I feel like I need that advice too. What the hell do we do?

The thing is Adam, we HAVE to go on.  I too keep getting told "Your Dad would have wanted you to go on". All i keep thinking to that reply is "Yeah, but with him in my life, not out of it!"  

Its extremly tough but what other option do we have?  We can't cease to live too. He brought you into this life when you was a little baby, and he adored you. He wouldn't want to see child go downhill, its not right. 

You need to feel like this and not change a thing. All you need to do is keep waking up each day and process these thoughts. THATS IT. You'll feel terrible, you'll feel helpless. You may be on the floor howling. This is totally normal. Just accept that you've been hit by a freight train and you don't get up from that any time soon.  You need to comfort yourself whilst in this pain. I think we'll get better, in fact I know we will. 

I am here if you want to chat more. Trust me, I am feeling exactly like you are. You are NOT alone. 

Peacewind.

Hi Adam,

I just lost my Father two weeks ago. I feel EXACTLY the same as you do. I can tell you that 100%.

Its an awful feeling. My Dad was my saftey net, the one I could turn to for advise. We did everthing together, he was my business partner, my best friend, my adviser, and now he's gone. The plaster has been completely ripped off and now you feel so isolated and alone. 

You're totally crushed, helpless, and you don't see how you can go another day without him with you. I know, im the same and I feel like I need that advice too. What the hell do we do?

The thing is Adam, we HAVE to go on.  I too keep getting told "Your Dad would have wanted you to go on". All i keep thinking to that reply is "Yeah, but with him in my life, not out of it!"  

Its extremly tough but what other option do we have?  We can't cease to live too. He brought you into this life when you was a little baby, and he adored you. He wouldn't want to see child go downhill, its not right. 

You need to feel like this and not change a thing. All you need to do is keep waking up each day and process these thoughts. THATS IT. You'll feel terrible, you'll feel helpless. You may be on the floor howling. This is totally normal. Just accept that you've been hit by a freight train and you don't get up from that any time soon.  You need to comfort yourself whilst in this pain. I think we'll get better, in fact I know we will. 

I am here if you want to chat more. Trust me, I am feeling exactly like you are. You are NOT alone. 

Peacewind.

Hi Peacewind,

Thanks for your message. I think the ONLY thing that helps (and it doesn't help much) is hearing from other people who are also experiencing total devastation.

I'm "only" 35 (soon 36). The thought that I'm probably going to have to spend most of my life without my dad is completely intolerable. I'm sorry, but it's just awful. I'll never love anybody like that again. I loved him so much that it hurt. If ever he was in any pain (especially psychological) my soul would burn.

I have no interest in life without my dad. I need him. I want him. I need his laughter and smile. There are approximately 7 billion people on earth and I have absolutely no interest in any of them. The only person I want to be with is my dad. And I can never have that again.

What kind of life/world is this? It's appalling that humans should have to experience this sort of pain. It serves no purpose whatsoever.

YOu're right about needing to go on. But I don't want to. Not without my dad. Sure, I could find a partner, settle down, start my own family. But I'll never get to be with my dad again. And he's the only person I want to be with.

The suffering I experience at various points each day is beyond description. I feel as if I'm going to implode, explode, pass out, go INSANE. 

And the only person who could help is my dad.

I've tried counselling - it was basically useless. I know there are well-meaning people out there, but well-meaning doesn't help. My dad was taken from me in HORRIFIC circumstances.

It sounds like you're doing a lot better than me. I wish I had your strength

Hi Bras, 

Thanks for replying. I know you're in a bad way, there's no denying that. And I feel like my issues (as bad and as fresh as they feel) are not on the same level as yours. And you have my deepest sympathy. 

I dont want you to give up all hope, I dont think you can fall any further down than you already are.  You're no doubt at rock-bottom.  But I want to help you up even if its only slightly to begin with. 

You're suffering severe mental torture, and I feel bad I can't be there in person to share some comforting words in person. I know it sounds strange but have you tried going on long walks on your own? You'd be suprised how much getting outside and walking off stuff can help the body. 

You are in fight or flight mode. Thats why you're having the implosion feelings and the ones of going insane. You have to walk or even run it off. Trust me on this. It will (slightly) ease it off. You're mind is feeling like its going mad because you are trapped inside it and cant escape it. When you address the fight or flight mode it will help - for sure. 

Keep posing here, day by day, write everything you're feeling, it is a matter of getting it outside of your mind. There is no way we can do this quickly, we have to go through this. 

I felt completely destroyed over the last two days, then as i sit here tonight, its a little better - only a little. But I know im going to crash again tomorrow - or the next day and think i cannot survive. Its AWFUL. 

The thing is, I do believe we will get better, we just absolutely cannot see it right now, because were living it and it seems impossible. I need you to keep waking up, day by day, whatever it takes. 

When your next sat in your chair, talk to your Dad. Because he is there listening to you. Talk to him how you used to and tell him what your feeling. Believe me you'll hear him back in your mind and it will be exactly what he would say in person. Because you know him so well. 

You're not alone and im here when you need me friend. Breath and read it again. You'll be ok, You really will, you just dont know you will. 

Hi Peacewind,

I really appreciate your message(s). As I say, literally the ONLY thing that helps is hearing from people who are suffering (or have suffered) something similar. I can't bear talking to counsellors, or friends or relatives because they don't have a clue. I actually don't know anybody who has a connection with their dad (or mum) like the one I had with mine. In my Google inbox over the last 10 years there are about 10,000 emails between me and my dad. 10,000. Every day a text, or an email or a face-to-face chat. Every turning point in my life, every fear, every challenge, every obstacle, every hope - it went through my dad. He was the foundation of my building, the roots of my tree, the oxygen in my atmosphere, the sun in my solar system. Life without him just isn't life. His smile was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen; his laugh was the most beautiful and pure thing I've ever heard. Simply put, I loved him more than life. Not figuratively. Literally. If you combine everything else in the universe, it's less than my dad. When he was on his death bed (and I can't even describe this as the pain in my soul when I start thinking about it is breathtaking), I wanted to go with him. I know that sounds grim, macabre, "wrong" but that's how it was. I NEVER want(ed) to be separated from my dad. He was more important to me than absolutely everything else combined. I took it for granted. I assumed in some sort of infantile way that I'd always have him. So now I have AWFUL regrets that destroy me - if he came back, I'd wrap my arms around him and never let go. I wouldn't leave his side. 

To answer your questions about walking, actually, yes, that's one of the VERY few things that have ever helped me. However, it's tough and rather depressing to walk around now in this coronavirus situation. I was supposed to go for a holiday in Tuscany, where I would have been able to take walks in the beautiful Tuscan countryside. That will have to wait.

I'm very glad to hear that you're having your UPs as well as your downs. Personally, I have approximately zero optimism or faith. The thought of spending the rest of my life without my dad is just appalling. I don't want it. The only thing I want is to cuddle my father again, hold his hand, listen to music with him (as we did), hear his laugh, see his smile.

Hi peace wind,

I came across this blog but I must say you put a lot of thought and effort for making time to respond to others with your meaning messages.

You are making a difference.

So Thank You 

Take care

Thank you, a lovely thing to say and i'm glad if it helps anyone going through this awful time. 

Was lovely to read that and I hope you are keeping well yourself. 

Peacewind x

What a lovely response it helped me after just losing my lovely dad and feeling so lost

I also have lost my Dad Christmas 2020. He was such a powerful person in my life, that there are many days where I simply can not believe I will never talk to him again. Sometimes it feels that life is too long, if I am every to meet him again. My Mum has also passed and my brother too. My Father was my complete guide in life and my best friend. He had a positive answer to all our problems and our loss of both my Mum and brother were massive. He always managed to encourage me focus on what was good in life. I have found this year increadiably hard, as the person that was alway their for me, with his advice and guidance is not longer here. I have two wonderful children and I need to keep focused because of them. But life, has indeed become harder. I know the advice that he gave me for my Mum and brother, would be something that he would want me to have for his loss.

When we have people that are so important to us that it hurts so deeply when we loose them, we must remember that to have that pain, is because that person was so very special to us. That some people are never lucky enought to find that love in ther life and for that reason we must be look to all the times that we did have and not the times that we don't now have. I am lucky to have had a beautiful Mum, amazing in everyway. A fantasic, tallented and completely loved brother and the most amazing Dad, whom I am forever grateful and proud to have had as my Dad. Love you Dad. x You were my shinning star. A true light in my life and all the things that you taught me will live on in my thoughts. You were a special person and I loved you so much. Night Dad, you can rest with Mum and your amazing Son. I will keep close, that to have had you as my Father was a true blessing. 

I really ended to read this post tonight! I just wanted to say thank you.

 I could have written parts myself.

i feel so lost right now

 my dad was my support network, my safety blanket, my advisor and my parent and I at 38 (almost 39) was still his little girl. I still need him and I still can't believe he's really gone.

iv taken to emailing him everytime I want to call or tell him something or ask him something. I miss him so much I just can't see how I will ever get past this feeling of emptiness