Hi. My mum has died today. I feel ok but no this won't last. I'm adopted and only got in contact with her 18 years ago. We were so alike that clashes were inevitable. That combined with my anger that she left me and her defensiveness about this meant it's been rocky seas between us with episodes of no contact. I have the letters she wrote me and when she was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer last May I got back in touch. Again stubbornness took over. I still sent the odd text. My brother rang two weeks ago to say if I had anything to say I should do it now as she had developed brain mets and she was deteriorating. 
I went to see her, asked for some privacy and said everything I had to say. I mostly wanted her to know how much I loved her and that she shouldn't feel bad about anything. She said things I've been waiting to hear all my life. In that moment she was my mother and I was her daughter. I feel I have little right to grieve. She was not part of my daily life, or involved in any of the family rituals like Christmas or birthdays. I feel like people might think I have no right to be broken over this and fear that I may never find anyone who has been through a similar loss to validate how I'm feeling. The day after I went to see her I could have broken down, but I ended up comforting someone else instead. I feel that was a missed opportunity to start grieving and I've just felt numb since. I hope you don't mind me sharing and I know I'll need time to work through this.