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Lost my Mum on Tuesday Evening to Brain Tumor

jamiemac25
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Me and my sister lost our Mum on Tuesday evening to the most lethal form of brain tumor called a Glioblastoma Grade 4.  I've not eaten or slept properly since. Even though we knew she was going to die from this nothing can preapre you for it when she actually did pass. It was such a profound experience to see her take her last breaths of life it will stay with me forever.

The final 2 and half days were so ditressing as she couldn't swallow anymore and had not eaten anything for about 5 days before her death. She was told she would make it 2 years 'at best' but in the end she fought it ( via radiotherapy and chemotherapy) better than they had anticipated and she ended up surviving 3 years and 7 months so we're grateful for small mercies. The last 4 and a half months she was in a care home receiving paliatative care as the treatment was no longer working. Watching her deteriate/decline was so upsetting to watch and during the last 6 weeks she was bed bound as had no mobility at all,  wasn't able to use the left side of the body. Our mum was a fit and healthy woman and she would have made it well into her 80's had it not been for this damned tumour.

In the end she's been taken from us at the end age of 71 she still had so much life in her though it's just so sad. My sister and i have been keeping busy arranging the funeral trying to keep ourselves busy she's coping better than me as I had a stronger bond with my mum so it's hit me harder. I shared so many intimate moments with my mum over the last 4 months whilst she was in the Care Home she became so childlike it was quite heartwrenching to see someone who's always looked after me end up like that. I ended up having to feed her and wipe her mouth, brush her teeth for her when i could, take her to the toilet and assist her with the komode.

We are grateful for the fact we were still able to visit mum all the way through to the end even during the covid-19 crisis as we no others have not had that chance. Any words of support would be appreciated as i am single and have no family of my own and i know it caused my mum some anguish. My mum and i had conversations about that and i told her i will get myself sorted out in my personal life and she told me she was proud of me despite that and that i'd been fabulous supporting her through her illness. 

 

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    Hi Jamie,

    Just to say so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum in early June from ovarian cancer and she was a similar age as your mum and although it was different cancers the progression etc sound so similar. They told mum in Jan that there was no more they could do and the decline from then to June was so quick. Her last 4 weeks were in the local hospice, they were so brilliant and like you we were able to visit each day, which we were so grateful for. Like your mum, she became bed bound for the last 4 weeks, she wasn’t able to eat much and swallowing was so hard for her, it was so distressing to watch someone who was such a force for good, full of life and energy to slowly fade away like this.  The funeral is next week and all I can say is that the first few days were very hard, but they have slowly got a bit better, the waves of grief hit a little less hard each time and I cry a tiny bit less time each time, however I know there is more to come as there is no set pattern in our grief. Also, our last image of a very poorly mum is slowly being over written by all the images and photos we have of her enjoying her life, which is helping. We also talk to her most days as we feel she is still with us and always will be.  Please make use of all the bereavement services that are out there so you are not dealing with this alone, I decided that I would read everything I could about grief, 75% probably won’t help, but 25% will and will really help. I am currently reading “loss of a parent” by Theresa Jackson which is very helpful and there are exercises at the back which gets you to consider certain questions, such as “if my parent could see how their death had affected my life, they would tell me...” and I know my mum would say it’s good to grieve but she wouldn’t want me to feel sad all the time, she would want me to start to find the joys in life again. So hold no expectations, take it a day/hour/minute at time and use any support that is available to help you. Once the funeral is out of the way, I will start some bereavement counselling, I may not like it and decide after one session that it isn’t for me, but then again it could help enormously so it is worth a try. In the meantime make sure you take care of yourself, try and eat and get some sleep (I found reading the book or a bit of tv at bedtime helped me to drop off in the early days when my mind was whirring) and slowly you will find yourself adapting to this new "normal" of a life, sadly, without our dear mums.

    Take care

     

    jayjay

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    Hi Jamie, I am incredibly sorry for your loss and the pain that you are in. I unfortunately know and understand exactly how you are feeling. I lost my amazing mum in February this year to myeloma, a form of blood cancer. She was diagnosed in December 2014 and fought a tremendous battle but in the end her body gave up, as right up until the last moment, she didn't give up. She was a warrior and like your experience she was my best friend. She was only 72, like your mum, gone far too early. This will undoubtedly be the hardest thing you will go through, you only have one mum and there is no relationship that can ever compare. I thank myself lucky that I had that relationship with my mum but on the other hand I get angry and feel hard done to that its now been cruelty taken from me. Just know that you are strong, like your incredible mum and you will get through each day, even if some are incredibly tough. The thought of loosing my mum filled me with unbearable dread, then I think to myself when I am sobbing uncontrollably, she made me and I am half of her, so I need to draw on some of her amazing strength and courage that she showed in the desperate times when she had a transplant as the cancer was slowly taking over her whole body, she never once moaned or complained and just got on with it. If I'm honest I don't think it's hit me yet, people told me it would hit me after the funeral, but it still didn't! I do talk to her and pray she can hear me..... I would love a sign too that sets here as I know if ate can, she would do anything to be right here by my side and would be heartbroken seeing me suffer in this grief stricken state. best wishes to you and your sister x
  • Offline in reply to njd

    Thanks for your words of support in the last two days i've been sleeping better and my appetite has come back now too. I know our mums would want us to be strong so that's what we've got to to. Jamie

  • Offline in reply to jayjay111

    Hi JayJay,

     

    Thanks for your words of comfort it is good to be able to share our experiences on this forum and for us to empathise with eachother. I will stay strong for mum that's what she would have wanted. 

  • Offline in reply to jamiemac25

    Yes I agree, some days are definitely harder than others, there will be ups where you will feel a bit better then there will be downs and sometimes out of nowhere it will happen. Stay strong, here if you. Need a chat

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