Hello

I've spent an hour or so reading messages from folks who appear to be in a similar distressed state of mind to myself & thought I'd add my few penny worth. I apologise for my ramblings.

My wife of 45 years was diagnosed with bowel cancer in September '19. We had just returned from a holiday of a lifetime in Thailand with our children & grandchildren who live in Australia & the UK. Whilst away she thought she had  a water infection as she hadn't had any notion of her illness. The pain she experienced there went away after taking a few antibiotic tablets.

Within a couple of days after returning to the UK we went from looking forward to retirement together to visiting numerous hospitals,  first came the biopsy then the radiotherapy & chemotherapy.  We thought (hoped) that she was going to stableise & become someone who lived with cancer for the next 10 or so years but very rapidly she became weaker & weaker. She was very positive to begin with, travelling to the different treatment centres was just part of her recovery but we found the radiation didn't work & after chemo was having an adverse affect on her it was withdrawn. We were together when the consultant told her that further treatment wouldn't improve things . We cried together in the hospital  car park. Hospital visits quickly became overnight then weekly stays. We were fortunate to have a referral to our local hospice in February '20 where an excellent doctor suggested she should be admitted for a rest.

The care the staff in the hospice gave my wife was fantastic. I stayed & was allowed to bring in our dog, but daily I watched her deteriorate. My kids came home & they were also allowed to stay. The nursing staff gave her so much pain relief she slept most of the time & appeared to be without pain but still cried out, which was very distressing 

The inevitable occurred within just 3 weeks of being told that nothing more could be done for her. Her breathing became lighter & infrequent then stopped. We were there at her side

Then came the virus, restrictions on the funeral arrangements , nowhere to take her clothes as every charity shop is shut, no banks will talk to you, insurance companies are running on few staff & therefore no one is available to discuss anything

I know everything which could have been given to her treatment wise was provided. I also know everyone I speak to wants me to carry on.I'm now 12 weeks down the road, the hospice has provided me with a councillor to talk to me on a weekly basis but the emptiness will not go away. I cannot sleep, I'm angry & I'm upset so what does one do to get over this loss?

Sorry again