Hello, just wanted to send my love and support.  I too lost my Mum last month on April 23rd.  And just wanted to let you know I get it, i get all of it.  Its hard really bloody hard.  My mum was my best friend always will be we had an amazing mother daughter relationship.  My Mum was diagnosed November 2018 with small cell lung cancer at the same point of finding out about her cancer she was also told she was terminal with weeks to live without treatment.  Ill never forget that day finding out.  I was devastated not for me for my mum to see her standing there talking about it and just how scared and upset she must of been but she stayed so strong.  At this point I was 5 and a half months pregnant.  I had asked my mum to be there for the birth as soon as I had found out I was pregnant.  It was a hard pregnancy as I was panicking mum wouldnt be here to see my Son being born or she wouldnt be well enough through her chemo.  She made it to see him being born and was besotted with him from that point.  I have always said that I believed the angels brought me our little boy he was something to keep us all smiling especially my mum.  It then meant i had maternity leave so i got to spend so much more time with her and we done lots of lovely things together just me,mum and Nosey (thats his nickname we call him his name is Noah) i was always going to hers I loved being with her we had fun, id also take her to hospital for her bloods.  She was still having chemo just to try slow things down.  She made it to christmas 2019 too something we didnt expect but she just seemed ok you wouldnt of thought she was ill she was just mum her usual happy hilarious silly lovely self.  My maternity leave was coming to an end should of gone back in december 2019 because my mum was still here i decided to stay off until February as i just wanted to spend more time with her without work getting in the way.  When i had to go back i reduced my hours so I could sneak in a couple of hours with her in the afternoons before I had to go off to do school run for my daughter.  I feel like maybe  I depended on her too much but i just loved being around her.  She made it to Noseys 1st birthday on 4th of March at this point she was having a break from chemo.  The last day I went to her house was a few days before lockdown started as Nosey was sent home from nursery with a fever and because of COVID we were advised to self isolate by my employer and the nusery i didnt want to risk mum getting poorly so I had no choice but to stay away.  I did go see her on mothers day at a distance i stood at the gate of her front garden she stayed at the door and we had a glass of wine together and chats.  During lockdown we spoke every day 1 day would be normal call the next we'd facetime so she could see the boy and he could see her.  She popped to see me a week before she died, she had just been to hospital for a scan and she popped by with my stepdad as it was my partners 30th birthday the folling tuesday so she wanted to bring his card.  We kept our distance again...she looked tired this time i brought nosey out for her to see him.  She was desperate for a cuddle with him i didnt suggest it because i was trying to keep her safe....what i would do now to go back to that moment i wouldve cuddled her so tight and let her cuddle Nosey.  It breaks my heart that i didnt cuddle her...that was the last time I saw her alive.  I facetimed that sunday night while I was bathing Noah as id realised shed never seen him have a bath he loves the bath he was born in a pool so absolutely loves water.  We had a good chat and she was happy to see Noah, she'd been in the garden that day had a couple of glasses of wine and had a nice day.  The next day she woke up she couldnt breathe she asked my stepdad to call for an ambulance because her cancer symptoms were so similar to COVID they had to class her as suspect virus case because of that they didnt put her on cancer ward she had to be swabbed first and wait for results.  On Tuesday she managed to call me.  It was a short call about 7 mins she was panicking about her breathing she couldnt breathe without an oxygen mask.  She said she was going to try call my sisters but maybe later as she couldnt talk lots. Later that day her swab came back negative so they took her down to the cancer ward and then my stepdad was allowed to go be with her.  Me and my sisters wernt allowed to be with her only 1 person. 2 days later on the Thursday she passed away.  Im struggling to process it. I feel lost i feel numb.  I have kids to look after and im even supposed to be home schooling one of them.  I cant go anywhere the one person i want to see most is no longer here.  I miss talking to her i miss her face i miss her voice.  I have videos of me and mum singing along drunk...(we loved a drink) to greatest showman that was her fav film and CD that i watch and just videos she posted for me and my sisters in lockdown on facebook.  Her funeral was 15th May 3 days after my 35th birthday it was hard.  Shed arranged her funeral last year so it was all what she had wanted...but only 10 of us were allowed there.  Some extra friends and family did come to just be in carpark to show support and respect for mum they ended up playing the service over speakers outside.  It was heartbreaking to see the place empty my mum was loved by a lot of people the place should of and would of been full.  I feel bad for her.  Im heartbroken for me but most importantly for her she had so much to live for and she was sad that she was miss out on all of us and seeing the kids grow up weddings and just life she had the most amazing attitude to life.  Ive cried a lot now I feel numb again im not really thinking about it its not sunk in i feel like maybe when this lock down ends may be the start of the process as the one place ive been desperate to do out of lockdown was to see my mum.  Ive been suffering alot with anxiety the past month just feelings of sheer panic which is awful.  Sorry I didnt mean to go on.  I only joined this chat today as thought it may help me not sure if it will.

Im so sorry you lost your Mum its painful.  Im just trying to take  1 day at a time.  Just be kind to yourself thats the best advice I can give you.  

Always here to chat xx