I lost my precious mum 15 weeks ago today and still I haven't really broken down like I thought I would. I know it is still early days but for me not to see her is ages. It would never have been this long. Starting to wonder what is wrong with me. My mum made up half my world, my children, grandson, dog and family make up the other. Spending time with my mum was always high priority for me, everything I did was with her. She gave me so much and I don't understand why I'm not this wreck that can't function. I do have very down days and going to the cemetery drains me but over all I lead a fairly normal day to day living. I'm heartbroken to have lost her, it still seems so un real and I truly believe in my heart she's coming back soon. I just can't accept she's not.
I'm still signed off work but I think I could go back now. The only reason I haven't is because work are saying stay off until I'm 100% ready. I think until I go back though I won't know how I will react. I do wonder if this is why I haven't faced up to losing my mum because life is so completely different, I have no routine to my day anymore. On my days off on the way back from the school run I would call my mum and we would arrange our day together, I haven't been in that position so maybe that is part of me not facing up to my loss. My daughters seem to have accepted their loss and at time really struggle to hold it together. I do get very sad and cry but then it's like something stops me. My mum's decline was so rapid and towards the end she was in bed sleeping a lot but when she woke up she was in so much pain, I do wonder if that's why as well cos I couldn't bear to see her like that. It's the only thing I'm grateful for, that she didn't suffer for months on end. She was still my mum. So far I've had 2 phone calls with a bereavement officer from the hospice but get very little from it as I don't think I'm anywhere near grieving. I'm thinking of stopping it for the time being.
I've still got a lot of anger to the world that she was taken, why her, why my mum? I know I've been so very lucky to have had this wonderful person in my life but just feel so robbed for her, myself and family that we will miss out on so much. Cancer is such a cruel, vile disease and just doesn't care who it destroys. My mum did everything right but still it got her. Why, why is life so damn unfair!
I don't know what I'm hoping for by posting this, I know nobody can change things for me but if anyone reads this thank you for taking the time to do so.
