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Still can’t believe my mum has gone

Nicola65
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I lost my precious mum 15 weeks ago today and still I haven't really broken down like I thought I would. I know it is still early days but for me not to see her is ages. It would never have been this long. Starting to wonder what is wrong with me. My mum made up half my world, my children, grandson, dog and family make up the other. Spending time with my mum was always high priority for me, everything I did was with her. She gave me so much and I don't understand why I'm not this wreck that can't function. I do have very down days and going to the cemetery drains me but over all I lead a fairly normal day to day living. I'm heartbroken to have lost her, it still seems so un real and I truly believe in my heart she's coming back soon. I just can't accept she's not. 

I'm still signed off work but I think I could go back now. The only reason I haven't is because work are saying  stay off  until I'm 100% ready. I think until I go back though I won't know how I will react. I do wonder if this is why I haven't faced up to losing my mum because life is so completely different, I have no routine to my day anymore. On my days off on the way back from the school run I would call my mum and we would arrange our day together, I haven't been in that position so maybe that is part of me not facing up to my loss. My daughters seem to have accepted their loss and at time really struggle to hold it together. I do get very sad and cry but then it's like something stops me. My mum's decline was so rapid and towards the end she was in bed sleeping a lot but when she woke up she was in so much pain, I do wonder if that's why as well cos I couldn't bear to see her like that.  It's the only thing I'm grateful for, that she didn't suffer for months on end. She was still my mum. So far I've had 2 phone calls with a bereavement officer from the hospice but get very little from it as I don't think I'm anywhere near grieving. I'm thinking of stopping it for the time being. 

I've still got a lot of anger to the world that she was taken, why her, why my mum? I know I've been so very lucky to have had this wonderful person in my life but just feel so robbed for her, myself and family that we will miss out on so much. Cancer is such a cruel, vile disease and just doesn't care who it destroys. My mum did everything right but still it got her. Why, why is life so damn unfair! 
 

I don't know what I'm hoping for by posting this, I know nobody can change things for me but if anyone reads this thank you for taking the time to do so. 

 

  • Offline

    Thank you for sharing this. I lost my grandma, who raised me and is practically my mum 2 days ago to cancer. Everything you have written is exactly how I'm feeling! May I ask how you're feeling now? Has it gotten easier? Did you have your breakdown? Xxx

  • Offline in reply to r19

    Hello r19

    Thank you for reading my post and I'm so sorry you have lost your grandma. I can totally relate to how you feel, my mum was with me every step of the way while bringing up my children. She was so much more than my mum, she was my best friend, rock and generally made everything good for me. She was a second mum to my children and we are still totally broken.

    In January it will be 2 years since we said goodbye. It still feels like yesterday. I miss hanging out with her so much. I would say that I still expect her to turn up and if she did it would feel normal. I still can't look at photos or videos of her so I guess there's still denial and I never face up to the fact she isn't coming back. But no, I haven't had my breakdown and I do wonder what is wrong with me. I have days when I am so so low but I still function. Saying that though I have lots of days when I'm happy and laugh so I have continued to live my life in a positive way. 
     

    My way of dealing with our loss is by working and keeping as busy as I can. It's hasn't got easier and I still feel angry that she was taken but I don't think we ever accept our loss.

    Talking is the best thing and I hope you have someone who is helping you through this time. It's still such early days for you so I'd say take each day as it comes and allow yourself to do what's right for you. 
     

    This forum is a good place for support as you identify with other people and that brings some comfort. I'm always here if you need to chat. Take care of yourself.

    Best wishes

    Nicola x

  • Offline in reply to Nicola65
    Hi nicola, Hope you don’t mind me getting in touch but this is all so hard and I’m really not sure how I should be dealing with all this. I’ve read your posts and feel so similar. I lost my beautiful mum 7 weeks ago and I’m heartbroken i feel like I am going crazy - I feel like she is going to walk straight back in the door and say it was all a joke. I go from being completely broke in floods of tears to getting on with ‘normal life’ but it all feels surreal. She was only 61, fit and well, working full time, to a shock cancer diagnosis (no initial symptoms!) to passing away just 5 weeks later. I know I am numb, and in shock but it all feels so unreal, and I miss her so much. I hope things have got a little easier for you with time? Nicola x
  • Offline in reply to Nicola10

    Hi Nicola, 

    I am so sorry to read you have lost your mum, life is so hard for some and taking your mum at 61 is cruel. It's unfair how some people miss out on the years they should have with their loved ones. I was very angry for a long time about that and still am at times. I don't think that will ever go.
     

    I would say I felt just like you in the beginning, now almost 3 years later I no longer expect my mum to walk through the door. But I miss her as much, I still think about her on and off all day and tell her constantly how much I miss her. 

    I think you need to take each day as it comes and go with the tears, there will always be this gap in your life and in time you will learn to adjust and accept this is how life is now. I'd do anything to go back to my old life, but sadly as we know it doesn't work like that. 
     

    The way I dealt with losing her is by keeping as busy as possible, I still can't look at photos of her and I hate going to her resting spot. im not sure that I've dealt with this the right way but I've managed to keep a lid on it and I'm afraid if I lose it I won't be able to put the lid back on and use distractions all the time. I'm lucky to be very close to my children and we talk about her all the time. We celebrate her birthday and Mother's Day, my eldest daughter is very spiritual and that has helped. 
     

    I think take your time with carrying on with normal life, the shock of losing your mum is still very raw and your mind will still be trying to process it. I found I got comfort from stranger's talking on this site who understand rather than from people who don't know what it's like and just say the right thing. If there is an option of counselling, take it as it will help you process your loss even though you may not think it now.

    In time you will adjust even though you won't want to but I feel happy at times, something I never thought I would. Be nice to yourself, this is possibly the hardest thing you have to accept and it will take time. I really hate cancer.

    My heart goes out to you, look after yourself.

    Best wishes 

    Nicola x

     

  • Offline in reply to Lonelygirl103

    Hi. I’m so sorry to respond to this and I don’t want to bring anything up. But I feel the way you have described and don’t know what to do. My mum passed July and I’m waiting to be hit.. I question myself. I know my mum isn’t her but same time think I can speak to her… I think ok but then think I’ve not digested it… how have you been and do you want to share how  you progressed and got through. Again im sorry if this brings up anything 

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