Hello FlippyB

Oh my goodness, how absolutely dreadful for you. I can well understand how bad you're feeling, not getting the time to even say 'goodbye' to your poor wife and being taken at such an early age also.

People told me after losing my wonderful husband in January that things would get better, and to be perfectly honest I can't say that they have got any easier, and I don't want them to either. I keep asking myself is that selfish of me, but I'm hurting in a way I find difficult to explain to anyone. Everything I do reminds me of him after being together for such a long time, and I'm not about to forget about any f it, or move on with my own life.

I do hope that you manage somehw to forgive yourself and perhaps you would benefit from speaking to a bereavement councillor, as they do a wonderful job. The only advice I can offer is it certainly wont happen overnight and it will take a lot of time.

Please feel free to post again, although I don't imagine I could be much of a help to you, I'm always willing to listen.

Much love

Jay_S

Hi, so sorry for you both, I lost my husband 6 weeks today (3rd April, oseophagus cancer), the rawness has not eased for me either. He was only 44, never made it to 45, and it just kills you. we have two girls (8 and 12) who keep me going..they need me and I won't let them down.  but I know what you mean about just wanting to go to bed. I have a complete lack of drive and enthusiasm, little appetite, life is just so different now. no energy to get up in the morning.  I used to think of our life in two parts - life before diagnosis,  and life after.  now I realize it's changed to three - life without him. I have been counting the time a bit like when the girls were babies,  first their age in days,  then in weeks,  then it progressed to months and years. ..but the amount of time is always subconsciously in your head. I saw a quote yesterday which made me feel better about not being able to remember everything about them :

People will forget what you said and did

But people will never forget how you made them feel

And we will never forget that about our loved ones, no matter what else we will forget

I'm so sorry for your loss - 48 years old is no age at all. It must be particularly difficult coping with this now you're in lockdown and have a lot of time to think about everything. With grief, you can't go around it and just have to go through it. The best advice I was given about dealing with unresolved feelings or missed conversations was to write a letter to your loved one. Write down everything you're feeling, what you wish you could have said, how much you miss them, the anger you feel at them having been taken. Then read it back to yourself and afterwards rip it up or burn it (outside). It allows you to express how you feel but means you can't go back and read it again and again. I found this to be helpful in dealing with my own emotions. 

 Do you have children, family, friends that can check in on you? Don't be afraid to reach out to people around you, even if you can't see them as you normally would - you could video call or do a social distancing visit in a park? Please don't be alone xxx