19 Months

Offline Petal1981 over 5 years ago

Hi all

I am new here but having read some of the posts and comments I am hoping this will help me!

I lost my beautiful mum to lung cancer in Oct 2018. She had fought and won 3 other battles with breast cancer since she was 29 and then after 17 years of being in remission she got lung cancer, having never smoked or anything, she fought for 6 months before losing her final battle, the cancer had to pretty much spread everywhere to finally get her.

In 2017 I lost my beautiful nan (my mums mum) to sepsis and I found it so hard and missed her every day, I still do. I felt like I needed to be strong for my mum as she was devestated to lose her mum. So when my mum told us of the cancer returning I felt completely lost. I felt I had to be strong and positive for my dad and my sister and my mum.

The morning my mum passed we were with her along with her 5 siblings. I can't even tell you how it felt to watch my mum pass, I can't even remember a lot of it still and one thing that I hate is that I can't remember telling her I loved her, even though I have been told that I did.

19 months on and I'm still reliving that morning, seeing my mums final moments, remembering the two days before she passed and what we spoke about and wishing I had said more.

I feel as though I can't talk about it with anyone, like it's been that long that I should be ok by now. Then there's the pain of losing my nan, as I didn't properly grieve for her and now I feel like I have a double whammy. I was soooo close to my nan and I miss her and my only saving grace is that she wasn't here to watch her daughter die.

I feel totally alone. My nan and my mum were my 'people' as I say, they were the most important people in my life and I have lost them both and I don't know what to do.

Offline Linda63 over 5 years ago

Hi Petal1981,
You're not alone in how you feel, I lost my lovely mum in September 2018 from blood cancer and I think about her every day, sometimes the tears and the heartbreak...still knocks me sideways.So many people post on this forum about regrets and things we wanted to say, that is hard because we have no way to change that. You said that you were told you did tell your mum you loved her, be reassured by that but also it's so clear from what you write that you loved and cherished both your mum and nan, I don't think you have to always say those words out loud, .....I asked my dad if my mum knew how much I loved her and he said, of course.
Your mum sounded so brave and strong, life is very cruel sometimes and it takes so much of us to be strong and carry on. My mum too endured so much and I know that it would break her heart to not see me and our family have happiness in our lives again, we owe it to her to try and live our lives to make her proud, be kind to others as she was. But its the hardest thing to do and I am so sorry to have read about the loss of your beautiful mum and nan.
Not sure if you have done so already but counselling may be worth considering? Or talk to your GP, mine was very understanding.Your mum's siblings...does it help to talk to them? If it helps, post again, so many kind and lovely people on this forum, all have an understanding of what each of us is going through.
The truth is, there is no time-frame on grief, there is no 'ok by now' ; anything you feel and when you feel it, is normal. I believe that we don't ' get over' our loss but there will be a time when we accept it and our memories will be happier and not just the days of the cancer.....I'm not quite there yet but I'll get there, for mum.
I hope your journey gets easier in time, again, so sorry for your loss.
Linda
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