Two weeks ago I lost my Dad to cancer, 15 months after losing my Mum in almost identical circumstances. Between trying to finish my final year of university, and also trying to be a support for my 15 year old (half) brother, I feel like I hadn't even begun to begin accepting the loss of my Mum, and best friend, at the age of 22.
About nine months later, my Dad, who had previously had surgery for his melanoma, started to feel unwell again. Despite his and my step mum's constant reminding that it was 'nothing to worry about', he soon became more ill and was taken for tests, biopsies etc. Their faith in God gave them a lot of hope, but as time went on they really didn't take on board a lot of what the doctors were saying and preparing them for, and I was the only one completely aware and understanding of what they were being told, while they believed that if they prayed enough, the cancer could be miraculously cured.
Dad really started detirioating just as Covid 19 started becoming a large issue, and he died shortly after the lockdown began.
I can't even begin to put into words what my brain cycles through constantly-the flickering between both of their faces as the end drew closer both times, the sound of their breath, the guilt that I couldn't stay in the room when my dad's breath began to rattle-the sound that haunted my nightmares for months after my mum passed, the fact that I know I'll never hug either of them again, or that they won't be at my wedding or meet my children.
I have some wonderful friends, some of whom have lost parents-albeit in different ways-and they were all amazingly supportive and continue to be so now. Even though our situations were different, I felt I could connect with them in that they understood the pain of losing someone. But I always felt alone in the fact that there were none amongst my peers who had lost a parent to cancer.
Now that I have lost both parents, I feel a constant aching loneliness. Despite having two wonderful step parents, a step brother, a step sister, and a half brother, I have never felt so alone. I have had this horrific thing occur on both sides of my family, and I-being the only child of my biological parents-have been struck double the blow of all my siblings (of course, not that I would ever wish this on any of them). None of my friends have lost both parents. I don't know anybody who is in the same situation to me, and to make it worse I can't even leave the house to visit my friends and family for support because of the lockdown.
I don't know what I hoped to achieve in writing this. Perhaps there is somebody who has experienced something similar? Nonetheless, if you have read up to this point, I appreciate you taking the time to do so, and I hope you are coping as well as possible under the current circumstances.
