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Guilty and blaming myself for my mums death

Missy_mt
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I've just turned 25 on the 21st March.

mum suffered from vertigo for a few years. With COVID-19 going on a the UK going into lockdown mum began to worry a lot more than usual... she worked for the nhs. And her death was sudden.

it began with a minor headache,went on for a few days (3 to be exact) took her to the GP where she got told it was anxiety...Me being over the moon that it was nothing serious took her home that day had a conversation with her,pampered her and tried to relax her. The next day, she was the same,talked way less,looked drained and wasn't eating. I snapped at her a few times because I wanted her to get better and I kept telling her she's got to remember she's blessed. The next day was a Friday.She was in a bad state,no speech,grunting and I began to panic. Noticed bruising on her body called 999 straight away. She was taken in, got told at 7pm she had bleed to the brain...8pm she had inflammation to her right lung. 9pm blood results came back and she was diagnosed with acute leukemia..Me and my older brother didn't have time to even digest any of this.My brother moved out with his wife and 2 sons in 2017 and it was me and mum living together.I just feel like i was good in her last few days.I wasn't there.I thought it was anxiety.And I was saying she was doing it to her self! But she didn't know she had this!!!! I WASNT THERE! I'm so angry with myself and I'm so hurt I didn't this to her! She was my best friend my world my everything! I loved her so much and worshipped the ground she walked on! She was an amazing mother! She's been through a lot in her life and all she cared about was helping others! I just can't come to terms with it! I'm ok one minute and then I break down the next. I miss her.I feel empty. I hate myself.I will never forgive myself.I don't know what to do. It's happened all too fast. 04/04/20 8am in the morning we got a call to say we had to say our goodbyes! I was forced to say goodbye to my mum forever! She was my everything. I just can't believe it. I'm angry. I didn't do enough. I've been visiting this site all week. Hesitating the post. I don't know why I'm even posting this. I guess I hoping someone will read this and reach out to me....I pray someone does...

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    Hi, So sorry to read your about your Mum. The feelings of guilt i have gone through for 2 months after my wife died of Oesophagus cancer is just like yours. Being so close to her i never saw the gredually decline in her health untill the palitive care team took over and then in 2 days she died.

    The guilt feeling of i should have seen it sooner is awfull and and i can completely sympathise with you. The anger at you feel is normal and hopefully subside in time. You did everything you could do for your mum as i did for my wife. I pray in time you will see that's it's all part of the grieving process. God Bless i'm thinking of you

    x

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    Hi Missy

    I just read your message and I am in tears. It may be too soon for me to reply to you as I only lost my beautiful,  kind mum on 2 April 20. My mum didnt die of cancer she died of pneumonia. She was poorly for the last 5 years or so and in the last 2 years had dementia which had become much worse over the last 6 months. I was her main carer. She wasn't mobile and had chest infections on a regular basis. So when she started to be chesty two weeks ago i spoke to her doctor who gave her antibiotics and steroids but when he came to see her the next day he said her oxygen levels were so low she had to go to hospital. I begged them not to take her in but they put my poor, scared, extremely confused beautiful mum in the ambulance with her crying my name out for me to go with her. I wasn't allowed to go with her because of covid 19. I never saw my beautiful mum again. She died in hospital alone 2 days later. I couldn't be with her, i couldnt say goodbye. A part of me died with her.  I understand the guilt you feel, I too thought mum would be fine and just had her usual chest infection. Everything you are feeling I too am feeling. My mum like your mum was my best friend, my whole world we did everything together. There is no park, no shopping centre or coffee shop we havent been in together. I loved her and miss her so much it physically hurts. I am so angry with myself too for letting her go in the ambulance, for not being there at the end. I just want you to know how sorry I am you are feeling like I am Missy. I wouldnt wish this on any one.  Your mum loved you so much and the guilt we feel, so everyone tells me, is a normal reaction to the siuation. Our mum's are our most precious gifts and I am so happy amd privileged that she was my mum and I know you are too. I'm so sorry I can't make you feel any better but just want you to know that I know exactly how you are feeling right now and it's so so awful and painful. I  pray we both can find a way through this terrible, sad time. I cant see any light at the end of the tunnel right now.  One friend of mine who recently lost her mum has told me to talk to mum about how I'm feeling because she is in my heart now and also to write her a letter which you can put in with her. I'm struggling with doing all this right now but it might help you.  Bless you Missy. Take care xxx

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    Oh my this sounds like how I feel I feel so guilty I wasn't there when my mum died last week in hospital she had the virus and that's why she left us I can't stop thinking about her last hours how lonely she must've been and how much love she gave me for so many years and THIS is how she left me?! I couldn't even be there and I can't bring myself now to look at her dead body -that's not my mum my mum is alive in my heart now forever healthy that's how I want to see her - not dead- If I saw her dead, it'd traumatise me I'm sure of it. I'd never get over it and as it is I will take a long time to come to terms with it.

    Because no one can come to funeral due to the virus  I can't have a funeral for her - all I can do is have her ashes with me and I will be making a memorial for her. 
     

    my world is shattered and my heart hurts for so many who lose their dear mum especially in this situation we are in right now. Please take care of yourselves - I know how you must feel - I feel guilty too.

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    Hi Missy,

    So sorry to read about your Mum.

    These feelings of guilt are a common part of the grieving process and tied up with your feelings of anger about why an unexpected death has occurred.

    You noticed something was wrong and took her to see her GP who made a catastrophic  misdiagnosis. You followed the GP’s guidance until you were faced with the bruising and you dialled 999. 

    Of course you were there for your Mum but your approach was misinformed by the misdiagnosis. 

    You have NOTHING to feel guilty about, but your Mum’s GP has questions to answer, if only to prevent this tragedy being repeated.

     

    Best wishes

    Dave

  • Offline in reply to davek

    I am so sorry to hear how you are struggling at the moment. 

    It is so important that you have reached out for help, it may be beneficial to look at talking to someone on a one to one (this will likely be over the phone due to covid) but it will allow you to voice your feelings, concerns and fears. 

    I am a nurse who works at a specialist hospice, we have an amazing bereavement support team and when I talk to relatives who have lost a loved one,I always say, we don't have all the answers, and we won't pretend too- but in time we can arm you with the tools you need to get through this to see clearer. 

    Have a look locally to see what bereavement support and charities there are. 

    Sending strength and peace 

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