my mum died in 2017 when i was 14. it took me by complete shock. she had really bad brain cancer but becuase i was so young i didnt understand how bad and had no idea it was terminal. i thought she'd be ok. the day she died i was at home and she was in a huge amount of pain. my nan was there too and it was just the three of us. i remember my mum screaming and crying and i felt so helpless, i couldnt do anything to help. we rang the doctor and he bought some medication round. it should have been the ambulance. as the day went on i got more and more scared and ended up ringing my dad to come and pick me up. to this day i still feel guilty for leaving. i should have rung an ambulance for her.
i seemed to cope with her death okay. i cried lots when she went into hospital but after that it was just at night. i thought if i just put thoughts about it to the side it would be ok but there was no hiding my feeling at night because i had no distractions. i still dont like to talk about it, i never had councilling, never really spoke about it, just put my feelings away. i still dont really know where my feeling are about it. i still get really upset but im not dealing with it how everyone else does. someone once asked me how i deal with it but i couldnt answer - i guess i just try to not think about it. but the truth is i dont think i can just live my life running away from the truth. maybe i am ok and this is normal. i dont know.
i think im just very confused about my feling towards my mothers death as ive never spoke about them before. i just miss her so much. she was the only person i could talk too, i never really had a good relationship with my dad so i didnt really have anyone to talk too about it.
