Hi

I posted in here a few times looking for advice whilst  I was caring for my Mum, but it's been 6 months since I lost her and I still can't cope. I can't tell if I have some form of complicated grief but it just doesn't seem right.

My Mum passed away in September 2019, 4 days after we were told she had weeks-months left. She had lung cancer and I was her full time carer for 14 months. We had district nurses that did her syringe driver but she was fully dependent on me, she trusted me. She passed away in hospital, the one place she didn't want to be, but I was not allowed to bring her home, and her death still haunts me. 

I never got to have a final conversation with her as her body had already started shutting down. I know there were things she wanted to do and things she wanted to say before she passed away and she never got a chance to. The immunotherapy wasn't started in time and she deteriorated so rapidly and the cancer had spread to her liver. Every appointment we went to she complained about the pain in her upper right abdomen, yet no one even scanned her liver until it was too late. My Mum deserved better and I feel like I failed her. 

I stayed with her for 4 nights in the hospital. I could tell she wasn't going to last much longer and as horrible as it was for me there was no way I was leaving her alone, I held her right until the end.

But now I can't tell if it is starting to hit me and I have been experiencing delayed grief or my grief is just complicated.

My Mum was my best friend in the whole world, we were so close and I never thought at 23 I would find myself with no Mum. Christmas used to be my favourite time of year with my Mum, we were hoping she would make it to Christmas 20`9 but she never.  I can't imagine having to live an entire life time wthout my Mum, she's not there for birthdays or christmas, mothers day, when I have exams or start new jobs, she's not going to be there when I get my first house or get married and worst of all she won't be there when I have children.  I just don't know how to do it. How do I live a life without her. I'm feeling so lost and heartbroken, I don't even know what I am trying to say.