Hello everyone,

I lost my Nan on 31st January 2020, aged 74, just three short weeks after being diagnosed with secondary liver and bone cancer. 

I'm finding that my grief is increasing as time goes on. Myself and my family have been in so much shock since it happened and a lot of denial. My Nan was such a vibrant and powerful presence throughout my life and I often find myself thinking - No, surely not, how can she not be here?

With everything that's going on at the moment, I'm finding it difficult to process my emotions. I live with my partner who is unfortunately very unsupportive. He has his own issues in life and can't see anything beyond that. In fact, I can't recall one occasion of him asking how I am since my Nan passed. He tells me that he's lost 2 grandparents before and you just 'get over it'. They were very different circumstances to my Nan though, at 74 she was still full of life and very young in herself; fit and mobile. So it's really hard for me to accept she had her life taken from her.

I find it difficult talking to my family about it because I know they are going through their own grief, so I find it hard to share my pain with them if they seem to be having an OK day. I have one friend I talk to about my grief regularly as she really understands how I feel and she is brilliant and always listens.

I just can't believe I'm never going to see her again. My heart aches for her and I often find myself feeling physically sick about the fact that all of a sudden the lights just went out for her and there was nothing she or anyone could do to stop it. Her decline was rapid, as it often is with liver cancer, but the day before she died she got up out of bed and sat in the front room and told my sister to move an empty glass from the window ledge because it was annoying her (classic Nan!) - I just cannot believe she was in the last 48 hours of her life. As I said, it makes me feel sick. She was the strongest woman I know and I just feel so robbed of her love and guidance.

I can honestly say we all had such a special relationship with her, her love for her family was unconditional and I know I still have my Mum who is of course my best friend and rock, but it's still different. My Nan was the one person you could go to with any problem, and if you needed any help she wouldn't hesitate. She was amazing to put it frankly. And I realise that I am lucky to have experienced this relationship as many do not, but it still doesn't make it any easier. 

I just feel really lonely, especially at the moment because we're not allowed to go out to work and live normally - as this helps as a distraction.

Sorry - I'm not really sure what I'm asking from this post - I just needed to let it out.

Cx