Hi  wanted to let you know my husband lost his battle last Friday 3rd April, he was very ill (only semiconscious) but it was still a shock when he went. We had him at home, his mum and looked after him, when he went the children and I were next to him playing cards, laughing and talking, dog on the bed too, sun streaming in the window, when I turned and noticed his breathing had stopped-.  it was very sad but not scary, I'm glad we were all there, the kids were not frightened,  it seemed very natural. But he has left a big hole that cant be filled by anyone else

I am very sorry to hear about your father. It's a terrible time to lose anyone at the moment with all the restrictions that imposes too. I am just wondering how you coped with pregnancy and a terminally ill father? My mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer yesterday and I am completely and utterly broken. I am still in disbelief. I don't want to live without her. We speak about 10 times a day, she lives only a few minutes away and has always been my rock, my security, my greatest advocate and everything has always been about us children. I am 5 weeks pregnant and terrified my stress is going to affect my pregnancy. It took 18 months and a failed ivf for my first child (which my mum paid for) so this child is a miracle. I can't do anything about the emotions I am feeling but I know I am not doing the baby any good. I don't know how to go through a whole pregnancy and lose my beautiful mum through the process. She is so so strong but I know deep down her biggest fear is leaving us. She lost her mum before she had her 3 children and I know she never wanted us to go through that, I feel like I'm going to relive her life. It makes me unbelievably sad. X

Hi Queenie,

Thank you for messaging me.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, that's truly wonderful and a gift. 

I'm deeply sorry to hear about your mother.

I was 6 months pregnant when I found out about my dad. 

To get through it, keep hope, miracles do happen and may for you beautiful mom.

Look after yourself by eating well and exercising like gentle pregnancy pilates in your home, because of the virus I would avoid being outside where other people are. Having alone time sitting outside in your garden or a quiet space in your home and just focusing on deep breathing, it's ok to cry and acknowledge the situation with your mom, but then you have to pause it and be calm for your growing little one. Talk about your feelings to friends and family as much as you feel like you want to, to release it. 

Stay in touch as much as you can with your mom, and reminding her that you are there for her. 

We have no clue what the future holds, being hopeful will help you though, dont think about the future, things that havnt happened yet or are even going to happen, I know that's hard but try. Think of ideas for your nursery and what prams you will be looking at later in the year. 

Being pregnant and having an ill parent is tough, its like your being pulled one way, feeling great about pregnancy then you get pulled another way feeling stressed about your parent. Just try to stay calm as much as you can. 

Please message whenever you feel like it. I'm sending strength and healing across to you and your family. Xx

Amy xx

Thanks for your kind reply Amy. I am trying to keep hope, at the moment we are being offered no treatment at all so it's hard to keep hope that way. Looking for second opinions and foreign options but that's made very difficult at the moment as you can imagine. I can usually find hope in most things and that keeps me going but this situation is looking quite hopeless in terms of possible treatment options or how we may even go about getting them. 
 

I am desperately trying to think about the baby but emotions are so hard to control. I have a couple of friends who have lost their mums so I find comfort in talking to them at the moment. And reading a lot, knowledge and options usually make me feel better but currently this is making pretty dismal reading. 
 

How are you finding motherhood and coping with such raw emotions? Is your baby a few weeks old now? A cuddle from my little boy, who is 15 months old is about the only thing that makes me smile at the moment - he is the most wonderful sweet little human. I adore him. I know he (and the new baby if I manage to keep it alive) will be my complete strength and reason for getting up every day! X

Hi Queenie,

In regards to treatment my dad had palliative chemo which aimed to ease symptoms and prevent growth to get prolonged life, that's if the body reacts well to it. My dad got sepsis prior to chemo so was very weak. And honestly he had two rounds and told me he really disliked it, no quality of life and he did end up passing away. Maybe sometimes it's better not to have chemo but to take the best pain relief so their time is more about quality. My dad after a round of chemo was extremely fatigued and was more prone to infections.

Is your mother taking pain relief?

I have an amazing partner who I speak out to when my dad enters my mind which really helps. Rosalie is 2 weeks old now and is amazing. My dad is always with me, in my heart and I play good memories in my mind. He told me I needed to be brave for my little one (when I was pregnant) and how he was proud. He was taken from this world too soon, however had a nice life and thankfully no longer suffering not being able to do the things he wanted to do whilst being sick. 

You are going to be ok. Be calm as much as you can, talk to others, family, friends or this chat. Devide your time between  pregnancy and your mother.

Amy xxx

Thanks for your reply again. Little Rosalie will be the light of your life and bring you so much joy over the coming years, it will most certainly help as you have to get up no matter how you feel and they make you smile even when you're sad. When they put their arms out to cuddle you and rest their little heads on your shoulder, it's the most amazing feeling. You can have the worst day and still smile when you see them. They just get better and better! And I'm so glad you have good support from your partner. My husband is a joker, doesn't take much very seriously but he is trying! 
 

No pain relief for mum, she doesn't feel anything. She's completely fit and well at the moment. It literally only just spread to her lungs, the deposits are very small, which is very frustrating as from originally visiting the doctor about her lump to the operation to remove it was 15 months. It's traditionally a low grade, slow growing cancer, there were many mistakes along the way and she was told it was not cancerous before she even had a biopsy. Even from biopsy where they suspected cancer to the actual operation was 5 months. He said it had only spread in the last couple of months as her last mri at the back end of last year was clear. It's hard not to go over and over this in your mind, wishing we had gone private sooner (went private in August for an appointment and then they picked it up again properly in the nhs as the consultant works across both). I wish I had got involved sooner when she was being messed about and sent for all the wrong investigations but all indications were it was nothing to worry about.
 

I listened to what you said about hope. The only reason I am pregnant now (for the second time) is because I read and read and read and researched myself. I read books and clinical trials and paid for private tests that the nhs wouldn't offer me. I did the same things this time that I did the first time, I took supplements that are not available over the counter here, only in America. It took me the same amount of time again once I started taking all the different supplements. Reflecting on this has made me realise that because my mum's cancer is very rare, there are very few experts and also very few clinical trials to demonstrate which treatments are effective (cost effective I should say really). As such I think we are going to have to seek out experts abroad and do a lot of research ourselves to provide any hope. Wish me luck in these extra difficult times! 
 

Thanks for all your replies. It does help to just know someone is reading what you write and responding. 
 

Enjoy this precious time with Rosalie. My little boy is called Toby ️ ️.

Aw say hello to Toby for me :D.

Yes I'm sending you all strength and luck. Please keep me updated about how you and your mother are doing.

I'm here for you when you want to talk.

Amy xx

Amy I am so sorry for the passing of a loved one ,I've got posts on another page .My wife Andrea passed away on the 3rd April from metastatic pancreatic cancer,we'd found out on 8th January that she had a tumour and it was inoperable and chemo or radiotherapy could be an option. After many trips to different hospitals we were no further forward and because the appointments were weeks apart we both thought there was no panic and that the tumor was in its early stage.Wrong... Andrea got very I'll soon after and was vomiting in the early hours, she was admitted to hospital that morning and told to prepare for an operation to free a blockage of her bowels.Andrea rang me the next day for me to come in early to see the doctor ,I thought nothing was out of order and turned up to see Andrea, she told me that they had looked at further scans x rays etc and that the cancer had spread and that her life expectancy could be 6/8 weeks.My world collapsed how could Andrea be so calm about news like this. She told me that she was fine and that we should stick together and not cry to much.Andrea came home with a morphine driver and an NG tube with a bag from her nose.I called the district nurses most nights because of the pain and slickness, Andrea was eating less and less sometimes half a biscuit a day along with her strawberry shakes.She eventually got worse and was admitted to a hospice I stayed every night and went home on a morning to sleep better and to wash.Andrea's condition got worse but saying that at some points in the day she would chat and look as though she was getting a little better.She said I had to stay strong for our two daughters and two grandsons.I preyed to god for extra time not years but for extra weeks she made it past mother's day even though she didn't know what it meant I knew she probably wouldn't see her next birthday which would have made her a big 50. Andrea was getting really I'll sleeping and uncontrolled shaking she was vomiting more all this black brown smelly liquid and she was very restless during the night wanting to use the toilet even though she had a bag fitted. Due to the coronavirus restrictions I had a slight cough and was told that I couldn't visit anymore and that I could say goodbye that morning Andrea didn't know who I was.She was a skeleton of woman I knew she was really I'll.I rang the next day at various times to ask how she was doing and they said that she hadn't woken that day.I rang at seven in the evening and she was asleep. Then our house phone tang at twenty to eight with the call nobody wants to answer I couldn't be there with her but the nurses were in her final moments the 6/8 weeks were shortened to just 4 weeks Andrea was just 49 and a beautiful woman but this *** of a selfish disease had absolutely destroyed her body/life everything.Dammn you cancer now your wrecking my life, so my dear Amy I kind of can understand how it can be thankfully others will never understand and I am thinking of you and many others on this forum.Take care and as my days are now unplanned and the dread of loneliness is here for now,I remember in our last days together some words that she said and I will never forget ''Ray how did we get like this '' xx

Hi  Amy sorry to pester you at late night just read your post and to you from others, Andrea had a hysterectomy at 38 because of cancer but she thought that was it all done she had screening s after that and the tests were clear but she didn, persue because she felt okay but anyway take care Amy xx and if you can keep in touch x it's Andrea's funeral on the 20 April with this lockdown contact with people has been difficult signing cremation paperwork on undertakers cars.I can say to all you out there who are going through the agony of either caring for a loved one or trying to cope and get through your day after the passing of a very special person.The worst times are when I wake up alone  the other times are just sitting at home downstairs expecting my wife to ring or turn up to tell me what kind of morning she has had, but those times are gone and the memories come back of hospital visits district nurses coming out all hours to help with pain and vomiting then the hospice and us sitting outside in the grounds and you saying to me Ray "how did we end up like this". Well Andrea you just have a rest now.The funeral is tomorrow and until we meet again I miss you xx