Cancer Research UK main site

Grief on repeat

anchorlessdaughter
Offline

I lost my dad last year. He was my very best friend and my only family member. I am completely alone...

...and it shows.

my life is falling apart and I'm losing peices of my life day by day. I am no longer good at my job - I've been put on performance review and I think I will be let go in the next few weeks.

I have had to take time off in my grief, but it was unpaid leave. I don't have a penny to my name. My monthly wages don't even cover my overdraft. My car has been repossessed after missed payments. I am behind on rent and I think my about to lose my home.

but most debilitating of all is my grief. It is so intense that I find myself holding my breath without realising it. I can't comprehend that the person I love the most doesn't exist anymore. His death was unexpected. Even though I've lost my car and about to lose my home and job, the total accumulated pain from these losses don't even come close to the pain of the loss of my dad.

Every single night I lay in bed replaying his last few hours in ICU. Over and over and over.

Sometimes I wake up thinking that he is calling me, but my phone is deadly silent. Other times I'll be cooking in the kitchen and I swear I can hear him come through the front door. But the most cruel trick my mind plays on me is seeing his face in the distance crowd.

I'm 29 and I don't think I have the strength to make it through to 30.

 

  • Offline

    Hello anchorlessdaughter, 

    First of all I wanted to say how sorry we are that you lost your dad last year and that this has had a huge impact on your life both on a financial and emotional level. You seem to have been so close to your dad it must be so hard for you to have to now rethink your life without him. It is completely understandable that this has affected your ability to focus at work. It might be worth -if you haven't done so already - talking to your manager about what happened and how it has made you feel, how difficult it has been for you since you lost your dad. This is all still too raw for you and you are probably feeling caught in a spiral, feeling as you said completely alone. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone, that there are so many others on this forum who understand exactly how you are feeling at the moment. Try and talk to your GP if you can about what is happening to you at the moment and how you are struggling to cope at work. Your GP will I am sure have some good advice for you to help you feel a little better and get over this traumatic experience of losing your dad. 

    We also have some useful information on our website on Coping with Grief which you can find here and which includes some helpful suggestions. You might also find it helpful to get in touch with Cruse Bereavement Care and if things get too much at any time of day or night, don't hesitate to contact Samaritans who will always be there to listen. You can find their details on this page. 

    It must be really hard to be experiencing all this grief whilst simultaneously having to deal with all these financial difficulties. I think it would be a good idea perhaps to go and talk to your local citizens advice who will be able to give you some free confidential advice regarding your financial situation. You can find out more about Citizens Advice here. 

    Keep strong, anchorlessdaughter, we're all here for you and I hope you manage to talk to someone about all this and get the support you need at the moment during this extremely difficult time. 

    Best wishes, 

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

  • Offline

    I am so sorry to read your story and about how awful you are feeling.  Lucie has already provided really good advice to you.  

    All I can say is that I can totally relate to what you say about replaying the situation over and over.  I lost my partner last June and I have a constant loop playing in my head about his last 6 months, no matter what I am doing.  My concentration and ability to sleep are shot, and when I have stirred myself to do much I have often made daft mistakes.  I have also sort of hallucinated and "heard" my partner. For months I felt like I was losing my mind - I didn't know who I was anymore, or what to do. I happen to be retired, but there is no way I would have been up to performing a job.  You have done well to resume working.

    I have recently received some counselling and whilst it has not ended my replaying of the "loop" it has somehow made it a bit more bearable and I now believe that I will not always feel as bad as this.  My counsellor uses an analogy whereby the "hole" in my life will continue, and I will move forward with it always there, but very gradually I will build round the hole ( a bit like a tree can grow around a hole).

    As a retired Human Resources Manager, I would also comment that even if you do lose your current job, any reasonable employer to whom you might apply for work in the future will understand that you have been too unwell (due to your grief) to work as normal recently but that does not mean that will not be a good employee longer term.

    Sending you my warmest wishes and sympathy.  Please follow at least some of the suggestions Lucie has made. xxx

     

     

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.