Hi Frankie06,

Welcome to Cancer Chat. I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. I can only imagine how incredibly tough this must be.

Everything you're feeling is perfectly natural, and no doubt your feelings will change through the days and weeks - anger, sadness, and everything else. Try to take things day by day and believe that things will very gradually get a little easier - or more manageable at least.

It sounds like everything happened very quickly and so no doubt it has all been a huge shock.

Do have a look at the information on our website about coping with grief - it also includes a link at the bottom to a support network that may be useful (Cruse).

I'm glad you found the Cancer Chat forum - it's a very understanding community of people and we are here to support you. There will be others here who have gone through, or are going through, something similar - so do also have a browse through the forum if you would find it helpful.

Let us know how you get on - we're always here to help. Look after yourself,

Ben
Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi Frankie - I feel just the same. I lost my dad in early Jan and have a young daughter but feel like everyone else is annoying and just want so much to have my dad back. It feels like nothing we do has any point now he's not here. The only thing my mum and I have found that helps to take your mind away from feeling so sad is watching tv which sounds so trite but it just allows your brain to wander for a while. i'm so sorry for you and your dad and just wanted to let you know you're not alone xxxx

Hi Emma, 

thankyou for your kind words, and I'm sorry you also feel the pain of losing your dad. When people tell me it's gets easier it's hard to listen to them as the ones that are telling me this haven't lost there dad so they have no idea what I'm going through right now. It's a pain that you just can't describe. I feel life is just so unfair. I try to keep busy through the day but it's bedtime when it hits and I think about it. My dad was scared and didn't want to die and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Do you feel guilty at all? Because I feel guilty everyday that I could t help him. I try to put a brave face on and be strong but sometimes it's so hard, we made so many plans this year which he was looking forward to and now he won't be able to do any. Whenever I try to remember the good times all that I can see is when he took his last breath. We had his funeral which was a beautiful send off but now reality has hit that it's all done and il never see him again xxxx

God I feel guilty all the time and I know my mum does too. My husband, daughter and I had moved about two hours from where we all lived in Manchester a year ago because we were extending their cottage to come and live with us and I think all the time what if I had still been there - woudl I have made them go to the hospital sooner, would they have caught the infection earlier etc (he died from pneumonitis which is a rare infection caused by the chemo which seems worse - the treatment killed him, not the cancer). I was able to be with him and sleep at the hospital for his last two weeks and that gives me. bit of comfort in that he wasn't alone but again you feel guilty that you shoudl have pushed for them to do more. I think the guilt is a natural thing but I know deep down that it wasn't my fault. Thinking about plans is so hard - even this last weekend when we were just all inside and cosy because the weather was so bad - just kept thinking dad would have made this fun, he was just so positive and happy and made everyone else feel the same. We had to wait a month for his funeral as he had to have a PM so were at least able to plan a lovely service - we even had a recording of him playing his guitar - but I think after all the plannig htand busyness now is even worse - when you have to plan a future without him when he was such a big part of it. Just like you, the night is the worst - I end up just crying on my own in bed. Cuddling our dog helps, weirdly but this is the worst thing that's ever happened and it really doesn't help when people say they had a good life My dad kept saying he didn't want to die and in hospital he kept telling me how he couldn't have got through it without me there but I wasnt able to save him. Oh god, more tears now xxxx

Hi Emma, 

im sorry your feeling so sad. It really is an unbearable pain isn't it. And the tears they never stop, sorry if I've made you cry again. It just breaks my heart that after all these years there's still no cure for this horrible disease. My dad had lost a lot of weight in the first few weeks and then got took to hospital on the 2nd jan, as his sugars were really high, it was on the Friday that they found out he had an infection but they couldn't get a vein due to being so dehydrated, it was painful to watch and my dad began to get very cold and very confused. I remember him saying to the nurses just let me go home and die. He had enough, but it sticks with you. From the Thursday when he went in until the sat afternoon when he passed I didn't leave him as I was scared, he was by the sat in a comatose state and I hope that he could here me and no that I was there. I've gone through guilt, anger, sadness, hating people and life and I just think can it ever get better? I really wish sometimes he would come for me and take the pain away. But then I wouldn't want my son to feel what I'm going through. My husband has been great but it's so hard. The sun was shining on his funeral, we did a lovely life story about him played his favourite songs. And released a dove for him. I just hope there is something of life after death just so I can see him again. My dad travelled well but always loved Great Yarmouth we went there so many times and had said we were going to go back this year, so I have decided to scatter his ashes in his favourite place. I'm in the midlands but there is no where here he would of liked. Did you go to see your dad at the chapel of rest? I went to see mine, it was very hard I wrote him a letter and read it to him but again that's another image that sticks with you, I guess we know our parents will go but u never really expect them too. Xxxx

oh I feel so much for you, reading what you've been through. I think there is just something about your dad too that you always want to make them proud, show them what you've done - even silly little things like putting a new picture up - and the loss of that is massive. I love my mum so much too but dads are different. Seeing them in pain, scared and ill as you did too eats away at all that - he could always do or solve anything but now is vulnerable and that's horrible. We didnt see dad at the funeral home - there was 3 weeks between his dying and us being able to have the funeral so we were really scared that he wouldn't look like dad any more. As soon as they took his oxygen off - about an hour before he died - he stopped looking like dad and that was awful. We all wrote cards and put little things in with him like his favourite chocolate, a hanky and he did say he wanted his ashes to be scattered at a beach right by where we live so in time we'll do that but think we'll want his ashes with us for a while. Music is such a powerful thing too isn't it and lovely that you were able to play his favourite songs. You read into lyrics on the radio all the time and find myself blubbing to all sorts - Barry Manilow the other day! You're right - you're never ready for your parents to go and think as you get older you talk to them more. I'm going to try and have a walk by the beach today - although that brings him back too as he loved the beach, fresh aitr definitely helps. That sounds like it would be a lovely thing for you to do at Great Yarmouth - even though I'm sure it will be more tears but just do it when you're ready I think.  Thanks for these posts - it does help I think to write things down. My husband is lovely but men are more of a 'lets fix this' mentality and this isn't something that can be. xxx