Hi zam.. I’m sorry to hear your news and thank you for your kind words .. we are all here looking for some form of comfort and for a solution to how to make that ache in the pit of our stomachs that wells up behind your eyes and comes out in tears... that process is part of my daily life and is sometimes debilitating... I have found out the true meaning of not knowing what to do with myself at times... I also think that the feeling of loss is confused with the feeling of love... and yet again I have found the true meaning of love hurts... 

I too have experienced panic, anxiety and woke up thinking and feeling these horrible feelings... people say it gets easier in time and I’m hanging on those words, 

clearing my mums house is killing me.. it was her place of happy and she deserved more years there, it’s like I’m erasing her life and someone else will live there with no memory of her existence but I suppose that’s how life has always been, don’t make it any easier though. 

We all know one day we will leave this planet but choose never to think about it... this experience forces your hand and it’s like being handed the controls of a fighter jet... you will panic but still keep flying until you land safely or eject... either way you will do everything you can to avoid crashing.. 

take the time to know your human and normal, I wish you all the best 

Really really sorry to hear of your loss , oesophageal cancer is such a difficult cancer and it’s heartbreaking to watch the deterioration , your words of reaching out to others has really warmed me today so thank you so much . I lost mum three months ago on  22 October 19  and still suffer sleepless nights and feel extremely low in all aspects of life - it will get better I’m sure , but it’s really hard to feel positive and look forward at times . Mum was the same situation with diagnosis 19 months previous ,  and finally affecting lymph nodes and lungs , we watched for a year of struggling to eat anything , a stent was fitted 8 months prior to passing - but caused more issues due to placement of stent and infections after infections - it really is a tough tough cancer as due to location and being the main eating/drinking pathway - it makes it so exhausting for the sufferer , when they are already exhausted . I hope you find comfort in that your decision to reach out to others suffering the same loss has helped - thank you 

Thank you for your reply I am so sorry to hear about your lovely Mum & everything you are going through it's truly heartbreaking 

That is exactly how I feel like I don't know what to do with myself! 
I also find it strange how we appear so unprepared for death, I knew there was as such no cure for my Dad so knew inevitably he would pass away but I think to me it still felt so soon & I still felt so unready. 

I feel so strange I feel like I've gone from a painful crying where I feel like my hearts being ripped out to hardly crying today & actually feeling numb which I'm not sure if it is a coping mechanism or if I'm losing my mind?!?

Im absolutely dreading the funeral i think it will probably be the second worst day of my life & I don't know how I will get through it but have no choice.

I really appreciate being understood, thank you 
 

Hi I'm so sorry to hear of your Mum & yes the suffering is the absolute worst thing to watch ever, I felt so selfish that I wanted Dad to still be here as I knew he was suffering it's just so difficult when you miss them so much & they are such a big missing piece isn't it. 
I feel so stressed about his funeral I'm sure it will go well I just can't imagine what will happen after. I guess everyone goes back to their lives & acts as though it never happened, I understand life goes on but it's unbearable for me to think of it going on at the moment. 
how old was your Mum? She sounds so strong, did she use any alternative medicines xxx

god bless your mum feel free to contact me anytime x

I can relate to everything you are saying... from dreading my mums funeral to feeling so sad you almost can't cry... I had the strangest feelings before the funeral, I felt some resentment for people who didn't really know my mum saying they were going to attend, I felt like it was my private time to grieve...

it was wrong of me to think that, as everyone who attended had the greatest respect and did my mum proud, I didn't fall apart like I thought I would, the guy who read out the eulogy I had written is the priest from our local church... he attended as a friend as we are not religious and he knew exactly how to handle my mums legacy... writing my mums eulogy took me a whole day, it's hard to cram a life into 20 mins, but I managed to write how I would of spoke if had been given the strength to read it out myself... there was no chance of that happening....

I can only say it was a blur and somehow the universe made sure I had the shoulders to cope that day.... the toughest part was after, days after, it kind of hits you from another direction... then before I know it the first milestone of xmas was upon me... and again another hit from yet another direction...

there's no magic button and  I ain't got any answers and I can't tell anyone that their experience will be the same as mine... all I can do is offer my story and if you or anyone else reading this can take anything from it then you are doing the same as me... just trying to cope...

I know it's an almost cliche thing to say but I do hope you and your family get through the day dedicated to your loved one...

just know that your not the first or last to feel the way you do and everyone has the same fears regarding death and loss and I think most of us reach out one way or another,... even the stoniest, hardest people,... and I'm sure that if we didn't feel the way we do we would question ourselves and I'm sure others would question us too.....

feel free to share your feelings zam cos your doing it on the right place... 

you take care

Hi mum was 66 when she passed , she never tried alternative medicine as to be honest she would have just been too scared with the cancer being where it was (and most medicines/alternatives having to be orally taken) , i feel for you and the funeral is so hard isn’t it  and I hope you have found some comfort in these posts and knowing we are all here to chat anytime , much love to you and your family during this time , you do find those around you go back to their normality , but finding a new ‘normal’ when it’s a parent lost, is really hard as u know - take care , hope things go well for u as can be