Hi Jacqueline,

I felt the need to reply to your post for many reasons, firstly I too lost my husband in July 2018, I know it is 18 months ago now but for some unknown reason I found myself on this forum again today and came across your story!

I met my husband when I was 18 and we were engaged on my 19th birthday after just 6 months together, we then got married the day before I was 21.

We went on to have 1 son in 1992. We had a wonderful marriage. My husband turned 51 in the May and I was 50 in the June, we went away for a few days and my husband started to complain about his food not going down whilst we were away, he went to the doctors when we got home, 1st time in 25 years!. They gave him some anti acid tablets, these did not help, he then was suffering extreme pain in his ribs and back. This all led to a fast track pathway looking for cancer! 

The worst news ever was given to us on Friday 13th July,they found so many tumours on his liver and that the primary cancer was like to be from the pancreas as it is a very silent cancer and doesn’t show any symptoms till it has spread!  He deteriorated so quickly, I had to call an ambulance out on the 22nd July and my husband passed way on the 29th July. This was just 2 weeks from diagnosis and 4 weeks from beginning to feel unwell!

It would have been his 52nd last May and our 30th wedding anniversary last June.

So our stories are very similar and his mothers name is Jacqueline!

I know exactly what you are going through like many others on this forum and it is a very long journey. I have not been on here for a while as I have struggled to talk about it. This is because as you go through the grieving process you do move forward a little step at a time and an odd day comes around and you start to remember the lovely times you had together instead the last painful days you had, this is a positive sign that you are coping, I still don’t tell people I’m good, I tell them I’m ok because that is the best I can do for now. 

My husband was my best friend, the love of my life and the one person who new me inside and out! I have always been so lucky to have been his wife and one day he will take my hand again.

I have gone on a little but I really do feel for you and I want to  reassure you that you will learn to adjust and learn to live with your husbands memories instead of his presence, it is very hard and I miss my husband more and more although it is now 18months ago it does feel like yesterday!

Take good care of yourself and try to keep in contact with friends and family who really do care, I would not be where I am today without my friends and family.

Sending you lots of hugs and strength.

Debbie51

Hi Debbie,

Thank you very much for responding to my post and I,m sorry for your loss also, it is so very tragic.

Our stories are very similar and reading your reply has helped me a little as it makes me understand that I am not the only one who has suffered in this way and that with time it may get easier.

I'm glad for you that you had such great friends and family to help shoulder your pain, I do too.  I agree its those people who have so far been there when I have needed them the most and they have kept me afloat.  The majority of my family though live a 6 hour drive away from me but I do message and telephone then quite often.

When I am on my own, that is the worst time for me, I find the loss so very hard then.  I am trying to fill my "alone moments" up as much as I can but its very difficult.  You still go to bed on your own and there is an obvious space in our bed. I tried sleeping in the middle of the bed but that didnt help.

I suppose that time needs to pass and I need to get used to what my normal is now.

Thank you again for taking the time to share your story, I too send you hugs & strength