Hello AM79 

Very sorry to read about your loss. 

I have been where you are in that I lost a parent to cancer (lung with extensive spread) very quickly after diagnosis. So...I can understand that you may still be getting over the diagnosis, never mind the loss of you dear Dad. 

You say you feel like you let your Dad down. You absolutely did not. It was not your job to provide medical care to your Dad...it was the hospice worker's role to do that...all we can do it put our trust in them that they are giving our loved ones what they need. As it happens, it appears as though they were giving your dad the maximum dose they were allowed so, sadly - they would not have been able to give anymore anyway xxx so....defo let that one go as you do not need to feel any guilt at all. You have not let down your dad. 

You ask how you can get past this. You definitely will. Time really is a great healer....you'll have to hang in there for now. But there will come a time where you wont feel weighed down by grief and sadness and where memories of your Dad will fill you with such comfort and happiness. Promise.

This site is great to use for any shakey moments or to be around people in the know. So please come back. 

Take care xxx 

Hi

i am in exactly the same position as you

my darling mummy died last night at 9.42 in a hospice. The last few days have been horrific. I am traumatised by what I have witnessed. No one should see what I have had to see, it’s cruel  an anima, would not have had to have gone through the suffering my mother went through 

i don’t have any advice, I just wanted to reach out and say you are not alone

so horrible to happen at Xmas time

My thoughts are with you xxx

I am so so sorry you have been through this as well. I just feel so so sad that this is the reality of this hideous disease. In my naivety, I think I just thought that Dad would be able to be sedated when the end was near and not have to suffer the pain, but it seems that isn't the case, for anyone. And it's horrifying. 
Sending all love and strength to you, thankyou for your message 

Thankyou so much for your message xxx 

Hi AM79

Thanks so much for your reply, I completely understand every word you have written. 

You mentioned naivety and I feel the same way- I also thought they would be able to sedate mum so she was nice and peaceful. It was horrific and I’ve been having flashbacks everyday. Unfortunately I’ve suffered with flashbacks previously in relation to mum’s illness and they lasted for months then so I hope these current flashbacks don’t last for that long. 

today has been the longest day ever, made worse by the fact it’s xmas day. I don’t know how I will be able to cope going forward. I feel empty and broken, traumatised and devastated. Even those words are not strong enough - I’ve discovered there aren’t really any words that adequately describe the emotions and pain I am currently feeling x

It's unbelievable how similar your case was to mine - my dad died a week ago. He was also in his seventies and he also died of metastatic kidney cancer (with spread to the brain). Like your dad, my dad suffered awfully in the last few weeks - there was howling, screaming ("Help me! Help me!") and ultimately the syringe driver with morphine and medazalam (which initially still didn't stop the howling). My father then fell into a sort of "coma" - unconscious for about a week. Then he died.

As for your question  - how do you ever get past this? God knows. I don't know if I'll ever feel whole again. I wish I could have stopped my father from feeling so much pain. They have to be careful with the morphine because if that's increased too quickly that can apparently cause death itself (somebody told me). So it's sometimes very hard to get it just right, particularly when the cancer has spread to such sensitive places.

I don't know what to say to you (because I don't know what to think myself) but I though it might be helpful for you to know that there are other people out there who have been through something very similar. I sometimes wonder whether I'll hear my father's screaming and howling in my nighmares for the rest of my life. Fortunately I think I will also remember his laughter and smiles. I hope you find a way through too

I’ve just joined a d saw this thread.

My mum went into hospital with jaundice and passed away exactly 5 weeks to the day, 7 days ago, after being diagnosed with metatistic pancreatic cancer.

Mum was in hospital for the first 2 and half weeks , she struggled with pain.

it was only when the driver was fitted that they began to get it under control BUT it still took top up injections and she was in pain in between those.

Medazilan was only added in the last few days of her life.

The doctors are not allowed to increase the painkillers beyond a certain dose each day, madness I know but that’s how it is.

So don’t feel bad. At one point, mum said she wanted us to throw her out of the window, she’d had enough.

i was with my mum when she passed away, she’d had the death rattle for around 24 hours.

It is truly awful to watch someone you love go through this, it’s early days for me yet but I know the hospice offer counselling, which I think I will consider. 

So sorry to hear off your loss. Can imagine the pain of it all. In time you will hopefully accept and hold to her memories. We always need our parents don’t matter how old we are. 

My thoughts are with you. X