Hi there,

I am so sorry for your loss, my mum died in September 2018 and although each persons grief is different, I understand a little of what you're going through. Many people say about feeling guilty, that is not uncommon but reading your post, you took such great care of your dad, its so clear that you loved him dearly and you have nothing, absolutely nothing to feel guily about. 

I have read sometimes that when a person passes away, they wait until loved ones are not in the room, we were all gathered around mum and I asked my dad if he wanted to just be with mum on his own, we left the room and within 10 minutes, my mum left us. Your dad would have known how much you loved him, how much you cared, that can't be taken away.

Your life with your dad, my life with my mum, so much more than the cancer.

Hope you have family and close friends for support at this difficult time.

Thinking of you.

Linda

Hi Gudnight,

I won't say I'm "sorry" because that's never going to be anywher NEAR enough. I wish I could wave a magic wand and take away all your pain in one go (I wish I had that wand for me too).

But one of your sentence sticks out to me:

"I have spent every day with him at his home and the last 4 weeks in hospital"

My father was in a hospice for a week and (like you) I was with him every day he was there. There were about 20 other patients there and only one other patient had ANYBODY come to visit. Some people leave their fathers (and mothers) alone in a hospice for weeks or even months without visiting.

You spent EVERY DAY with him at his home and hospital. That's truly wonderful. I hope at some point you come to feel (justly) proud. I get the impression your father received utterly magnificent support from you.

Neither you, nor I, nor the most skillful doctors in the entire world can control exactly when our loved ones go. It simply wasn't in your power. Nature takes control. We're all just fallible human beings trying to do our best.

And although his passing away may feel like the most significant moment, I would argue that it wasn't and isn't (for you, for me or anybody else). What about the three months PRIOR to that? When you were THERE with him. I get the impression that you were there for him a huge amount before that too, and at other points in life.

Oh, and yes, I HATE cancer too. Good thing your love gave your father so much

Heartbroken

Hello Gudnight 

So so sad to read your post and the loss of your dearly loved father.  I hate cancer so much.  My dad who was also Bi polar died on Christmas Day 2014 from Esophagus Cancer and in May 2015 my husband my soulmate was diagnosed with Junctional Esophagus Cancer I lost him on 10th September 2016.  I am heartbroken but I know i am not alone and am eternally grateful for my father and my husband and the time I had with them.

Your love and devotion shines out from your post so please please please try not to be so hard on yourself but I know its something I feel too and no matter how much we do we feel its never enough because we could'nt stop it happening. But you did above and beyond and were there always for your father I am beyond sure that he knew how much he was loved and that you were always there for him in everyway you could be.

I wish I could change all this for you and for me and for so many others.

Please know your not alone.  Sending you thoughts hugs and love.  For your father and for you, take care of you.  He will never be gone he is in your heart forever. xxxx