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Both parents having cancer trauma

Rjl1999
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I have had a nightmare 6 months and am struggling to find the words for the pain dealing with two sick parents at the same time.

Having lost my best friend at the age of 30 to cancer last October and my grandfather (dads dad) at the age of 89 in March, the year began a challenge. Dad had a heart bypass in May when we were told this would help with any of the heart pain he had intermittently suffered over the last year or so.

 

Mum is 59, had a scan on 30 August, she was called in on the 31 August to be told she needed an emergency operation for stage 3 Bowel cancer. The operation did not happen until Monday 2nd, and was then done as an emergency as her bowel had burst. She spent the following 3 weeks in intensive care, and it was touch and go whether she would survive from septic shock and sepsis. Mum spent a further 4 weeks on the ward before coming home.

 

Thankfully my mum then came home. 2 weeks later my Dad (who had been caring for her in that time) had a severe stroke that left him unable to speak and paralysed down one side. He spent 2 weeks in a stroke hospital where he suffered a further minor heart attack, before being transferred to our local hospital. A week after that the local hospital said they had found something concerning on his liver, we were then told 2 weeks ago he had weeks to live as they had found stage 4 metastatic cancer on his liver which they believed was from the pancreas, but he was too ill to test it with a biopsy. 
 

My dad suffered a further stroke on Tuesday night, which seemed to leave him blind and fully paralysed. My Dad then passed away last night at the age of 61.

 

i have spent the last 12 out of 13 weeks visiting either one of my parents in hospital, have had to cancel two holidays(paid for) and now the cherry on top I have lost my best friend in the world my dad, I am numb with pain.

Worse still my Mum now has the grief of losing her husband of 33 years, who has been her rock, while she recovers from her Bowel cancer and now has a stoma bag as a result. She was unable to have chemo as her wound was too open. So there only is a 50/50 chance of cure. Mum is still weak and now have to suffer all this heartbreak too.

 

Life has become relentlessly difficult at the age of 29.

 

Any advice is appreciated.

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    Hello Rjl1999,

    I feel so sad reading your story and I am so so sorry for the loss of your lovely Dad. Cancer is absolutely ruthless and it seems to take the best people. I lost my Mum 6 months ago so can relate to the loss of a parent. 

    I know the feeling that life feels so difficult. I am 31 so we are a very similar age. I can't help feeling jealous of people who have both parents in good health. Life just doesn't seem fair sometimes. I look back on what my life was like before my Mum got poorly and it feels like a dream that I can hardly remember sometimes. 

    What you can do is allow you and your Mum to be there for one another. I sincerely hope she makes a good recovery and you and her can learn to rebuild around the immense loss of your Dad.

    Remember the good times you had as a family and the happy times. I do the same and its painful but it does help to remember the times you were all smiling together.

    My beautiful Mum has been gone six months, we lost her to secondary breast cancer. It does get easier, the rawness will subside but it is a long road. I still feel so sad and hollow but I have some good people around me and try and do lots of things for myself, like self care. Go walking, light a candle, watch a good film, pet a cute dog, eat your favourite food. These small joys can help you to feel good.

    Sending love and strength to you and your Mum and I hope so much she can beat cancer, it is possible!

    Katie

    xxx

     

  • Offline in reply to KS73

    Hi Katie,

    Thank you for your kind reply.

    I am so sorry to learn of your mother's passing also. Your advice on self care is definitely something that makes sense, I have been trying it the last few weeks since diagnosis but nothing seems to make the raw pain any easier to cope with at the moment.

    Thinking of happy times is a silver lining, however it's the little things like expecting them to walk into a room, the little jokes and opinions you both shared, places you use to go and foods you use to both eat. The reminders feel they are constant, but nothing cuts deep like pictures.

     

    As you say it's important that you have good people are you too. Just seems life is so unfair with continuous suffering cancer has brought us over the last 4 months. I can't believe diagnosis to death in 3 weeks is real. Just hope mum will find the strength in her to cope with all of this suffering too.

    Rob xx

     

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