Hi again Lisa,

Just to say that I've also just asked for drugs as I can't manage right now

A

Hi Alice,

"Horrific and traumatising" - I wish that didn't sound so familiar. I am so sorry you have had to go through this sort of thing as well. 

I think I have some understanding of what you may be feeling since it sounds as if you were as dedicated to and emotionally invested in your mum as I was in my dad. The trouble for me was that with all my "eggs in one basket" (with my dad), the blow of losing him was/is MONUMENTAL.

It's been a week now since I lost the love of my life (= my dad). In the first couple of days I experienced complete breakdowns where I started screaming and crying (without any warning) in a way that I have NEVER done before (in all 35 years of my life). I've never been that out of control. The screams just came from somewhere deep inside me without my even knowing about it.

Since then I have felt numb. I've read about this (numbness) - I think sometimes (for some people) this is how one feels for a while. It may be my brain's way of protecting me from the pain (for a while). I suspect that I will go back to having breakdowns again at some point - maybe when I am at the funeral, or see the coffin. 

Yesterday was Christmas day and somebody gave me as as present a photo of me hugging my father a few months ago. I completely broke down, dropped the photo and ran out of the room to go and cry upstairs (like a 5-year old). So clearly I'm very vulnerable right now.

So that's how I'm doing - numbness punctuated by total breakdowns. As I say, when my brain starts to let in the reality of what's happened more, I suspect things may get much much worse (breakdowns all the time? Depression? I don't know).

I also have the other emotions people sometimes have - anger (at the f****** useless oncology "experts" who didn't scan his brain in time), despair (how can I live the rest of my life without the love of my life?), frustration (why don't people UNDERSTAND how HUGE this is?) etc.

IT seems we're in the same boat in not having a partner (who could help us through this time). Do you have any relatives who might be able to support you?

Wishing you the strength to manage,

Best Wishes

Adam

Dear Adam

Thank you so much for your reply and it sounds like you feel exactly the same as I do. It’s absolutely devastating. Even the word “devastating” seems insufficient - I cannot seem to find the right words to explain how I feel. I am so sorry too that you have been through something very similar, I don’t think anyone can truly understand unless they have experienced it too. I feel like people haven’t understood the enormity of mums illness and how much it has affected me and I don’t think they will understand the massive effect her death has had and will have. 

I am also having complete breakdowns. I’ll be ‘okay’ one minute and the next minute I’ll be on the floor crying and screaming. I find the screaming lets out emotion so I’m allowing myself to scream. At the same time though, I do not feel like reality has hit me and I don’t feel it has properly sunk in yet. I don’t know why, that’s just how I feel. I dread to think what I will be like when it does. It appears you feel the same way  

The only family I have is my father. I am an only child. We have never been close (in fact, I would describe our past relationship as toxic) but he has actually been very good since mum’s death and I hope that continues.

I have also been seeing a counsellor weekly since April which I do think has helped - do you go to counselling? If not, I can strongly recommend it. Before I started going I thought it would be an absolute waste of time but I am now a strong advocate for it. Sadly, my counsellor is away over Xmas and I won’t see her until 2 Jan which is unfortunate and bad timing.

Thinking of you

Alice x

Hi Alice,

Yet more parallels - yes, I was seeing a counsellor. I arranged this when I knew that my father had only a few months/weeks left. I spoke to my counsellor about my fears and (suspected) imminent depression every week. I'd like to say that it helped me, but I don't think it did. I will get some more counselling in the new year though. I'm also going to join a bereavement group, I think.

However, I don't really want to "talk about my feelings." What I want is my dad back. I don't give a **** about anything else. I just want to cuddle him again. Hear his laughter - he was my laughter and my light and my sunshine and my world. The fact that I have to live the rest of my life without him is completely unacceptable to me. I loved him more than everything else in the universe combined. I'm fully aware I can "have my own life" - start my own family, etc. But that doesn't change a thing about my dad - I want HIM with me, nobody else. He and I exchanged over 10,000 messages in the last decade (texts, emails, etc.). We communicated about everything. He was my soul (not just my soulmate). 

Like you, I don't think reality has hit yet. I told my counsellor repeatedly that I expect I will become clinically depressed when reality does hit, since my father was the most important thing in my world (indeed WAS my world in many ways).

The fact I can never hear his voice again or speak to him again CRUSHES me. 

But I am VERY glad that your dad has been very good with you lately and, like you, I hope that continues.

Best

Adam