My mum and dad would have been married 61 years today, can't believe it's been over a year since my beautiful mum passed away. Broke down in front of my dad at the weekend, I've tried so hard not to get upset in front of him, I said it was worse for him but I missed mum, he replied " we all do".

The panic attacks, the anxiety, that passes, just left with incredible sadness and longing, that doesn't go away, I wonder if it ever will. Silly really because you think you move on, but it's like 2 steps foward and then 2 steps back. I still have mum's order of service in the study, in front of my laptop, we had slides at mums service, with pictures throughout her life. I absolutely know my mum wouldnt want us to be so sad and life does carry on, but nobody has conversations about how you live when they are gone.

I went to the Dr's, the same GP who I had seen when mum died, I said I was 'better', I can talk about mum without crying and as I said those words, I was teary. She suggested counselling now may help, had some before, didnt really help, maybe now might be better.

Sorry, some days, the grief is just there and the one person who can make it better is not here, nothing you can say really. I write here, it's my safe place.