My mum passed away Saturday and I cant cope with the devastation and grief. She as fought Lymphoma for 5 years but in June was Diagnosed with Small Cell Lung Cancer and fought all she could she was so brave but deterioated this last week, stopped eating,needed a comode,stairlift and in horrendous pain and passed 2 days ago. She truly was my bestest ever friend, I spoke to her at least 4 times a day. She held my hand through 7 years of Infertility and 7 IVFs believing she would never be a nanny as i am an only child. Then a miracle happened i became pregnant on the 7th IVF and I gave birth to twin boys, OMG she idolised them and them her. She got only 2 years with them before being ripped away by this damb cancer.  I was with her when she died lay behind her kissing her. She was on the syringe driver and hadnt opened her eyes all day, then she suddenly openened her eyes wide open, pulled herself up so she could see behind to me,looked straight at me then lay back down and passed. What was this?

I cant eat, cant even function on my 2 babies. The pain is unbearable. I just need a sign from her that she is still with me. I dont think I am strong enough to get through this. I have started taking strong painkillers to numb the pain/reality and some of mums sleeping tablets so can see this slippery slope but cant stop.