Hello Lisa. 

I'm so very sorry to hear about your Mum. Loosing someone that you love is a very difficult thing to endure and it sounds from your post as if you and your Mum were particularly close. 

I know that this is very easy for me to say - it is early days. We know that the pain you feel at the moment seems unbearable but taking painkillers and medication isn't the way to help you through this. 
I don't know if you have a partner or siblings, maybe a good friend but lean on those around you. If it's too difficult right now to talk to them then you can contact the Samaritans in complete confidence. Someone is there 24/7. 

It may be too soon to read the information on our website that we have about grief but I'm going to link it for you here. I hope that it will help you to understand that although incredibly painful and overwhelming at the moment, the thoughts and emotions you are experiencing are part of the normal grief process. 

What I do know is the community here will step in to offer you support. You are welcome to post here whenever you feel the need to offload, rant, ask questions or to chat with others who understand. If you'd like to speak to one of our nurses then you can call them on 0808 800 4040, Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm. 

Please be kind to yourself Lisa. 
Best wishes, 
Jenn 
Cancer Chat moderator

Hi Lisa

So sorry to hear of your loss, I too have just lost my beautiful mum who battled pancreatic cancer and was given the all clear in June this year. Then in October she was told it had come back in her Liver and we lost her 3 weeks later. It was so fast and such a shock, I can't get the last weeks out of my head and feel sick to my stomach when I realise she is no longer with us. I had a similar thing happen to me my mum was sedated and on a syringe driver and one day the nurses came in and moved her, out of the blue she opened her eyes and looked straight at me, her eyes were like glass and her pupils fully dilated, it was like I was looking into her soul, she held her arms out for a hug and I hugged her, she then closed her eyes and never reopened them, It's a memory I will treasure forever. A few days after she passed away and I went to the Drs as I was not eating, sleeping and my anxiety was through the roof. I was given some anti depressants and sleeping tablets however I have not taken any of them, I had to literally force myself to eat and watched some videos on meditation on You Tube, something I never thought I would! However I've finally started to sleep better and my anxiety is now back to a manageable level. I can't however get images and thoughts out of my head and I can't stop thinking why my mum and how she did not deserve any of it however, I tell myself that this is normal grief and after all I've lost mum not my toes 

take care 

Adrian

Hi Lisa, 

I too lost my mum, in the early hours of yesterday morning. I totally get how you feel, the pain is so bad it is actually physical. We too were best friends who done everything together, spent most weekends together, went away twice a year and spoke every day. I also have 2 children , my eldest is 9 and is breaking his heart over loosing her. We only lost my dad 3 years ago next month, so that's still pretty raw. At the age of 33 I have no parents life is utterly awful. I don't have any advice just to let you know you aren't alone. I would love to talk to someone in my situation, please message me if you want to talk xx

Hi Adrian and thank you so much for replying. I keep reading your description her eyes were like glass as this is exactly how my mums eyes were I just couldnt find the ways to describe it, at the moment it hurts me to remember it but I guess it was her way of reaching out to me the minute before she passed.

Her last week was not good and she was in a lot of pain,couldnt walk,eat and drifting in and out of sleep on morphine. The last day was the WORST, this image is haunting me, she was unrecogniseable until she passed and then she looked like my mum again. Well today is no better as still not eaten, dragged myself to take my toddlers to a playcafe and cried and hated everyone in there with their mothers. I just want my mum back. I am not religous as such but believe in spirits and just cant seem to move on until I have a sign from her that she is here with me.

How are you feeling today Adrain?

You're welcome, 

I must admit when mum did it my dad said you should treasure that moment however, at the time I was scared and the thought upset me a lot too, however since telling you on here yesterday I now feel different about it and feel blessed to have had that moment so maybe in time like me you will feel differently. It's actually 4 weeks today that I lost my mum so it's been a bad day, and to top it off my partners mum has been to the hospital today and has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Days before mum went in the hospice she went through hell, it was a very stressful and awful time, so I know what you mean about images, my mum went under 6 stone in the end and I have many flashbacks a day as does my dad as he was there the moment she passed away. I've had many people tell me that it gets easier and how good of a son I was, but to be honest I just look at them with a blank expression and I'm thinking I don't care about that I just want her back, I too have spoken to lots of people since and I find myself asking them if there mothers are still alive, and when they say yes I'm like why, it's not fair my mum has gone and there's are still here, I know that sounds selfish and inconsiderate but that's how I feel. I also keep having day dreams about how different it could have been I.e if I had the hignsight and made mum have a scan earlier and if I could have got her to go private and have the operation sooner, I know this is fantasy but I think it's because I can't accept the reality, I too look for signs all the time, in fact a bird flew through my cat flap a couple of days after and it was flying around the house very unusual, I thought it was mum saying she is flying high now. I've also thought although mum has gone she lives on as she created me, nurtured me and she will always live on in my memory. How are you today?

Hi Brokenagain,

I dont know if I replied to you or not? please excuse me if not as my head is all over the place. 

I have not cried as much today but instead feel totally depressed,ill, numb,no interest in anything. My friends are tring to be supportive but they havent lost so cant understand. They are all happily planning Christmas and the rest oftheir lives and I resent them for that. 

I cant get the memories of her last day when her organs were failing and the body lay there didnt look like my mum. Yet in another mind I wouldnt of had it any other way and needed to be there for her. As soon as she looked for me then passed she totally looked like my mum again. 

Cant imagine loosing dad aswell, I am so so sorry for your losses.

How are you and your family today,especially your little boy?

I'm so sorry for your loss, I lost my mum suddenly on the 16th November and got her funeral on Monday, it's been the worst time of my life and I honestly don't know how to carry on she was everything to me I saw her nearly everyday, she was diagnosed with myeloma cancer beginning of October and was just taken so suddenly in so much shock but I know coming to a place like this and talking to people really helps, I joined this forum only a few days ago but I feel its already helping just being able to write about your problem's and having people there to listen, if you ever need to talk I'm here. I feel the same just wanting a sign to know that she is with me. I'm going to the Chapel of rest this weekend so I hope thatl make me feel abit more at peace. I'm sure though she will always be close to you and watching over you, that's what I keep thinking. 

Hi Iisa,

im so very sorry to hear that your mum has gone. I can understand some of the pain you are going through right now as my mum/best friend is waiting for a biopsy for lung cancer and I feel like my world is falling apart.

please look at your boys, they are your reason for going on. Hug them, hold them tight! They will need you and you them more than ever right now. If you want a sign.....put your hand over your heart and feel it beating....that's what she gave to you. 
 

I wish I could hug you but sending much love and support,

cath xx

Cath,

Thanks so much for your caring and lovely message and I am so sorry that you to are going o this dreadful journey:( Fingers crossed that the biopsy is negative or at least treatable.

My brave mum put up a great fight up until the end and I was at her bedside when she passed, haunts me the memories but wouldnt have had it any other way. 

If you need me I am here for you,

Lisa xxx