Hi Julie. You are not alone. I lost my dad almost two and a half years ago. I was his primary caretaker even prior to his lung cancer diagnosis as he already suffered from dementia so he lived with me. After his cancer diagnosis, I quit my favorite job and moved out of my home of 30 years to travel about 1 thousand miles away so that dad could be close to his grandkids for whatever time was left. I spent 35 days in the hospital with him and made ALL of the decisions. Everyday was dreadful but looking back, it happened so fast. From diagnosis to death was only 17 weeks. I remember initially feeling a sense of relief when he passed, and I didn't cry right away. Friends, family and neighbors came over the next day to offer condolences but I still didn't cry. I was too busy being strong for everyone else. I think that I finally cried after about a month or so (alone). The first year was the darkest for me. I made up for all of the time that I did not cry. I cried so much that I couldn't believe I had any tears left. I had hurt so much that I felt chest pain as if my heart was literally breaking. I've had friends, relatives and even my brother pass away but this pain was unlike any other I had ever felt in my life. It just wouldn't subside no matter what. I honestly wanted to die. While I am coping better now, the sun will never shine the same again. My life will never be the same. Sometimes I feel like I'm not living but just existing. However, I find comfort in knowing that my dad is in heaven with God, and he's whole again and cancer-free like your dad. You have to keep living and making dad proud until we meet again. No matter how old we get, we'll always be daddy's little girl.

Hi Rebvelaz83

Thankyou for taking the time to write.You have pretty much described what I went through, apart from moving, I moved my dad in and we had just under 3 weeks. Everything you wrote is what I feel. I'm at the chest pain with sadness stage, feel like anything will tip me over the edge when I least expect it.  Yes you are right, when it's a sunny day, I think of my dad, when I'm in a beautiful place, I think if my dad, whatever it is ! I think of my dad and yes, the days will never be the same again, I feel a massive sense of loss. I do know he won't want me to hurt though so I guess that's why I'm trying so hard. Still don't want to upset him ️ 
      What you wrote was as if I wrote it myself. It helps to know that others are feeling it too as you fear you are about to lose control. 
        Thankyou so much  

Hello again, Ms. Julie. Thank you for your response. I want you to know that your pain will subside a bit, and before you know it, you'll be thinking back on the happier days with dad rather than on the loss and illness. As you mentioned, you will feel him in all things beautiful such as the wind that blows between the trees, the ocean's waves crashing, the sunset, the birds chirping, etc. I know it's very difficult right now especially with the holidays around the corner, and every "first" will be incredibly hard such as first holiday or birthday without him but you need to know that your dad is still and will always be with you (in a different form). He still sees and hears you (even your thoughts). He will never leave you. Very often, you will remember something new about your dad, and you will also subconsciously do things just like him and realize "dad used to chew, sleep, laugh, talk, etc. this way" and you will find your dad in yourself, in your kids and all around you.  Look for him in subtle ways for instance, numbers on a random license plate might be his birthday month or year,  or his favorite song might play on the radio, etc. Know that in those exact moments, your dad is acknowledging that you are thinking about him and he's right there with you. I still sometimes talk to my dad out loud when I'm alone (as well as to God). If you want, you may choose to get a journal and write down all if your great memories of your dad as well as your good dreams of him because as we know that with time and age, memories fade and while you will never forget your dad, it's nice to take a trip down memory lane and read up on those great memories. I've only had a couple of bad dreams of my dad, and if it happens to you, don't even think twice about them after you wake up. Ask the Lord to remove that evil, and don't dwell on those nightmares as you will forget them right away. I'm sorry to kinda ramble on but I know that you will survive this. Right now, everything is being tested; your faith, strength, sanity, etc. but you will come out if this a stronger person. You will love more openly and you'll see life from a different perspective. You will live by the values that he instilled in you (and pass them down to your children). Let them know that your dad is dancing in the Lord's glory and cancer-free! By the way he is a very handsome man (in your profile pic)! Make dad proud!

Oh my word 

such a beautiful post, inspiring and reduced me to tears also, Thankyou so much, I love the journal idea, but not going to do that unless I have boxes of tissues and chocolates and I'm alone Thankyou for your beautiful words, you have helped me so much xxxxxx

            Julie xx

Hello there, JulieRosie.  I am missing my dad more than usual tonight so I Googled "I really miss my dad" and to my pleasant surprise, our posts from 4 years ago resurfaced! I'm just checking on you and hoping that you and your family are doing exceptionally well! =-)

Hello there, JulieRosie.  I am missing my dad more than usual tonight so I Googled "I really miss my dad" and to my pleasant surprise, our posts from 4 years ago resurfaced! I'm just checking on you and hoping that you and your family are doing exceptionally well! =-)