On 25th November it will be a whole year since Steve died. The last 12 months have been surreal in so many ways. On one hand I feel time has dragged, especially when I think it's been so long since I heard his darling voice. On the other hand I can't believe that I am a year down the line. It's been a blur in so many ways, but I wanted to share some of my thoughts, experiences and advice in the hope it helps newly bereaved ladies and gents who are struggling to get from one end of the day to the other.
Steve and I were lucky. We had time to say goodbye (2 weeks) and we had time to plan - we knew S was terminal from 11th September. Nothing was left unsaid and Steve died knowing he was loved and with me and his beloved sister at his side. That has been so important to my peace of mind and helping me get through the early days.
Even so I do have some regrets. In the lead up to his death, (he died at home), the house felt like Piccadilly Circus from 8am to 10pm there were nurses and medical people in and out constantly. Family and friends came to say goodbye and I gave Steve space and privacy to do that. But I do regret not spending more time with him. I spent so much time making tea/coffee, clearing up, texting people, organising visits, collecting medication.... you name it, I was doing it - anything that would distract me from what was happening. That is one thing I would do differently - no matter that Steve was asleep for most of the time, I should have sat with him for every moment. I hope he forgives me.
The early weeks after his death were hell on earth. There were days when I literally crawled around the floor screaming, because every time I stood up I felt faint. The enormity of my loss was just too much to bear. But I have a little dog (Gertie - with Steve on my avatar) so every day I had to get myself out to walk her. I must have looked like a zombie much of the time but I got out every day and got some fresh air. That did me so much good and I would definitely advise that anyone going through this gets out and about. Even if it's just a walk around the block, down to the park, or to a nearby friend. Force yourself to get out. You'll be glad you did.
At night I used to lay in bed and remember Steve's last moments (and I still do some nights). It used to break my heart to relive those minutes over and over again, but after a few months they faded and were replaced by happier memories, But that takes time and practice but it does happen, I promise.
I went back to work after 3 months. It wasn't easy because Steve and I met at work and were working for the same company at the time of his death. But I made myself to do it. Work gave me structure and being among people who knew and loved us both meant that for a few hours a day I could go back to "normal" and amost forget what had happened. Coming back home to an empty house isn't easy, but I try and plan something nice to eat for supper, something to watch on TV, a good book and of course, Gertie is always delighted to see me.
I kept (and keep) myself busy, Not a weekend went by where I wasn't out and about doing something. I never passed up an invitation and I made myself invite people over for dinner. That was hard because Steve and I loved entertaining. I would cook and Steve would host and clear. So shutting the door when everyone had gone and clearing up myself was really tough, but I used to put some music on, chat away to Steve about the evening whilst I was clearing up and before I knew it, everything was back to normal and it was time for bed.
One of the saddest things for me has been new experiences and meeting new people that Steve will never know about. I remember choosing a new fragrance for myself and realising that this was the first time in 33 years I had ever had to buy my own perfume. Worse still, Steve would never smell it on me. That was so tough - such a little thing, but it completely broke me.
I have 2 new friends who I have met through CR... they are very dear to me but I would not have met them if Steve hadn't died. Thats tough too.
I could waffle on and on, but I won't keep you for much longer.
What I will say is this...... nothing anyone says will bring you much comfort. Nobody truly knows what you're going through - even those who are going through it too. Nobody really knows what you've lost because every marriage, relationship and person is different. There will be days when you don't want to "be" any more. Not that you want to do yourself any harm but you just want the world to stop so you can get off. There will be times (lots of them), when you think you will never smile or care about anything again. There will be days when everything reminds you of what you've lost. Family and friends will eventually resume their lives (as they must, and as you'd want them to) and you will wonder how you fit in anymore. There will be many, many moments when the future stretches out so far in front of you and you're just so scared that it takes your breath away. This and so much more will challenge you, but you WILL get through it. You will be changed, life will never be the same again. But remember..... we loved and were loved. We must hold our heads high and believe that we will survive this because that great love has made us stronger than death and we will carry that love with us always.
Being happy is a choice.... one day I'm going to make the choice to be happy again - not yet - it's too soon. But one day I am going to smile, laugh and look forward to a future with my beloved Steve always in my heart.
Wish me luck.... as I wish you all so much luck, strength, peace and love
Ruth xx
