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practical advice after losing my mum

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I lost my mum about a month ago and would like to start a thread about practical advice on how to cope. I think it's uncommon in our culture to talk about loss and grief to any great extent, but it would be so useful if we could share stories and advice on how our grief develops and changes over time, and things that have helped us accept and deal with the loss. 

One thing that has helped a lot for me is keeping a diary. I'm not a very open person but recognise that I need to speak about my feelings in order to face them. Through keeping a diary I've discovered that expressing myself on paper works in the same way. It's funny how your head can be buzzing with thoughts, with essentially the same things going round and round in circles for days/weeks, but it's not until you express them explicitly that you can follow the thought through to the end and figure out why it won't go away, why it is unresolved. 

If anyone has any advice to give it would be much appreciated - whether the thing you tried helped or didn't help, all of it is useful!

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    Hi, 

    I lost my Dad 3 weeks ago at the age of 66. He had been in remission for 4 years from a rare cancer in his nasal cavity. In March he got the all clear . July he started having pains in his groin area and went for a scan, we were given the news he had cancer in his lungs, bowel, bladder, liver, you name it he had it there so we were all shocked beyond belief. We were told nothing they could do for him. A week after he ended up in A &E after getting E coli...and then straight I to a hospice. We managed to get him home 4 weeks before he died at home with us being with him. But everyday I think about him and like you say I feel guilty if I go out and enjoy myself so I don't go to things I'm invited to. People say it will get better but it's hard to see it happening. I'm heartbroken and miss him so much. 

  • Offline in reply to Kerry1516

    I can relate to everything said in this thread especailly the part about feeling guilty during moments of getting back to normal.

    I keep replaying in my head the night my mum passed away trying to think maybe if I had done this, or I should of done that , and my mum would of lived longer.

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    Hi

    I lost my Mum on 21st September. This is the first time I have looked for advice on how I am feeling. I am finding I have the face of a clown when I am around people, I crumble when I am on my own. I am glad there are forums like this to ask advice when you think you are on your own, you realise you aren't. I just wanted to world to stop and for people to know just by looking at me what I am going through.

    I had a couple of weeks off work but even being back at work I don't think I am coping very well. I am trying and everyone says I am doing OK, but really I don't feel like it. I can't concentrate.

    Thank you for the suggestion of writing a diary, I think that is a really good idea. All I feel at the moment is numb. I have said to so many friends I am totally heartbroken, and I know I will never be the same again.

    I miss my Mum so much. I rang her everyday. I know I did everything I could to help when she was in hospital and was there as much as I could be when we eventually got her home for the last few days before she passed. I have been so strong because of not wanting to break down in front of my Dad. Even the funeral, it didn't seem like I was there. I had to be strong and didn't cry until the services were over. 

    Life now is just taking each day as it comes. I feel exhausted all the time but still need to do the same things, go to work etc. I live on my own (well with my 2 cats). I have an amazing sister, we were like a tag team for Mum. I also have wonderful friends. I am grateful but know I can just lose myself at any point and break down. 

    I am dreading Christmas.

    I am sorry for each and every one on here sharing their pain and loss. It really does help knowing I am not on my own. I am struggling and need to be honest about it.


    x

  • Offline in reply to Georgie74

    Hi , 

    I'm sorry for your loss .

    I hope you have found writing on  this has helped a bit , I found this forum 2 days ago which was a very bad day for me  . We sound like we are on the same page ... I too didn't cry until the day after the funeral when it suddenly hit me how real it was .

    My sister and I were taking it in turns to be at her bed in hospital and we both were when she passed .

    I smile when people ask how I am "yeah I'm ok thanks for asking" but inside I'm thinking no I'm not , I have an amazing husband but as much as he is trying to understand it wasn't his mum .

    I am setting myself small tasks to tick off everyday so I can say I have achieved something, I am lucky enough to work from home so can lock myself away .

    The turning point for me was actually saying no I'm not ok aloud for the  first time and realising its ok not to be ok .

    Diary Writing has never worked for me , but I'm finding coming on here and laying it all out is helping a bit 

    It is nice to know no matter how you are feeling someone else is feeling it as well .

    I'm trying to plan Christmas with my in laws hoping it would give me something to look forward to but it's just reminding me she won't be here this year .

    My Mum lived just a few minutes away and I can't walk past her empty house but we need to go in and sort out all her belongings as she lived alone . 

    I would really like some sleep , I'm exhausted but I just lay awake or have nightmares .

    I hope diary writing works for you .

    Look after yourself 

    Debbie 

     

  • Offline in reply to De3B

    Hi,

    ​​​​​​​I am so sorry for what everyone here is going through.

    I lost my wonderful Mum on the 3rd of October just 5 weeks after being told she had treatable breast cancer and 4 days later terminal lung cancer. I promised Mum I would look after my Dad who also has cancer, and sister and niece. After weeks of tag team care with my sister, we were all exhausted due to lack of sleep and grief I then found it extremely difficult to be strong and sort out everything that needed to be done without adding to my Dads already overwhelming grief. The funeral, Insurance’s, returning the mobility car, purchasing a replacement vehicle so my Dad wouldn’t be so isolated, clearing some of my Mums belongings, ensuring my Dad is fed and the house is clean etc. 

    And then, it is over..... what now..

    I find it difficult to sleep after years of shift work, but now I wasn’t sleeping for days on end and when I was I was having bad dreams or waking with a start and my heart pounding after an hour or two. I was exhausted and no matter how much I did to tire myself out I still couldn’t sleep and the more I tried to sleep and couldn’t, the more anxious I became.

    I burst out crying when I walk into the supermarket or talk to random people even though they had nothing to do with Mum.

    I went to the doctors and got some pills to help me sleep, I haven’t taken any but just knowing I have them has allowed me to not stress about not sleeping, I can now sleep if I need to and have started to sleep 5 or 6 hours every day or two.

    After reading posts on this forum I realise that everything I feel is perfectly normal and I have given myself permission to be upset which sounds weird but I have tried so hard to be strong for my family and not get upset in front of them that I wasn’t grieving and I realise that if I didn’t do that I’d make myself ill. So I have a good cry at least once a day, a proper good heart wrenching, red in the face, hiccuping sob for at least 10 minutes then I wash my face and go for a walk and I feel a bit better, I still find that I cry at other times but it is more controllable and usually triggered by something.

    I often feel anxious to the point that I feel panicky, I find that stroking my guinea pig helps a lot with this or just getting a hug from my partner or friends, if this is not possible, I try to control my breathing, just concentrating on breathing in and out in slow measured breaths helps.

    I sometimes feel guilty for not being upset at all times, when I’m busy or distracted, but then I know that my Mum would want me to get on with my life and enjoy it, not be depressed and so so sad. I tell myself this often and after a while I’m sure I’ll be able to do this, but for now I just repeat it like a mantra.

    There is no quick fix for grief, it’s a process that takes as long as it takes.

    I hope that you all with time, are able to find peace and healing from this horrible journey we are all on.

    xx

     

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