Hi, I'm new here.. 

I lost my Granny to lung cancer 3 weeks ago tomorrow, we were very close (cliché of the year!) no really, we had a very special bond and I've spent a lot of time with her over my 31 years (how lucky am I!) she was an incredible woman. She was diagnosed just over 5 months before she passed and I'm so grateful for this time we got to prioritise with her and care for her, comfort her, hold her hand, laugh with her, shop for my wedding dress, show her my wedding venue, hug her, feed her, support her & show her how much she meant to us as a family.
 

I grieved a lot from back in May, there were lots of tears. I don't live near her at the minute and so the last time I saw her was 2 nights before she passed... I said goodbye to her to go get on a flight, but with a medical background, I knew she was nearing the end. I thought my medical background was helping me to rationalise how unwell she was and that medically she was slipping away from us. Not only did I say goodbye to get on a flight, but I said goodbye forever. I broke down in front of her for the first time and sobbed the entire journey & for the days that followed. I told my mum that I didn't think she was ready to leave us, and nor was I... but when she was ready, I didn't want her to have to stay and suffer.. So would make my peace with it. I waited for the phone call the following evening and it never came, I started to feel better and at peace with when she wanted to depart, I would be ok with it. She passed away peacefully the following morning in her hospice bed with both her children (my mum and uncle) by her side, having spent the night keeping watch.

I was in work and when I received the news it was a relief, not for me... But I knew she had decided she'd had enough and wanted to slip on to a better place. I don't believe in God but there is certainly some spirituality within me and in the days that followed I absolutely scoured these pages reading about signs that people had received from loved ones... hoping for one from my special Granny. I really was ok (?denial) and my Mum asked me to read at the funeral, as I had for her husband, my Granda... I couldn't commit as was petrified everything would hit me when I got home, as it certainly hadn't yet. I felt guilt that I hadn't broken down, my Grandad died suddenly from a heart attack some years before and so I experienced a completely different type of loss. I spoke with friends who advised apples and pears, you've done a lot of grieving over the last few months, just don't worry about it and don't fight it if it does come. 
 

I got back to Ireland and it didn't come, I asked the rest of the family if I could read the eulogy at her funeral as I wanted to do one last very special thing for her. I did and I kept it together. I know I did her proud. I've had the odd little cry here and there, when I see a picture, when I went to phone her about something the other night, when I go somewhere I've been with her, they largely catch me off guard and I well up, then thank her for the memories which make losing her so hard, but on the whole felt very positive, positive for the future, how I'm going to live my best life for her & I know she wouldn't want us to be sad or upset and thankful for the long years I spent with her and everything she taught me about life. I remember around this time saying I don't feel 'grief' I just feel loss. A great sense of loss that she isn't here anymore. 
 

She is gone three weeks tomorrow as I said, and I'm really missing her and sensing the loss, and I'll get to the point. Last night/this morning I had the most vivid dream, I couldn't even speak when I awoke from it I was so distraught that she was gone... I guess it's hit me. My heart of hearts believes she came to see me to make me start to process that she's really gone, or show me she's ok. I don't know! I don't know how to process the dream (I often have vivid dreams and remember all the details, but nothing like this). I don't want to tell my family about it as I genuinely can't verbalise it, and I don't want anyone to be angry she came to see me not them!! 

Sorry for the preamble but here goes (it's very personal, please be kind)... my dream:

I was wearing my wedding dress and shoes (I am getting married in July and as soon as she was diagnosed I took her shopping with my Mum and I as we knew she now wouldn't make our big day, and I chose a dress she saw me in that day, very very special memory of mine). I was with my fiancé and we got on a plane, don’t know where from or to (I travel a LOT by plane so this isn't an unusual thing to be in a dream for me). Sat on the plane this young woman was smoking on it (my Granny smoked) and the air hostess came down and asked her to close the window and behave, but didn’t say anything about the smoking. Then the air hostess handed me the biggest white feather and said "I think this is for you. That was the first thing I saw on my wedding day, it means loved ones are near" and I said "I know... it’s my granny come to see me" and took it. Then I let it go again for someone else to be comforted. (In real life there was a feather on my jumper the day before which a friend took off and handed to me & I said ooh it's my Granny). 

Next thing I’m in the back of a taxi with Granny and not sure who else (have never been in a taxi with her in my life). I can’t remember what she was wearing but it was nightwear and I think her wee pink cardigan. It was totally normal, like the last time I saw her. It pulled up to her house only it was on the opposite side of the street and was confusing me as it was also a bit back to front, and inside the house I could see my uncle waving at me me so I knew it was the right house and then someone who didn’t look like my cousin, but I knew it was her too. (My mum told me last night that the house is going on the market sooner rather than later as too painful). Then I knew I had to get out, but granny wouldn't be, so I started to say bye and then was choking back tears. Then when I started to get out of the taxi with my suitcase I couldn’t, because he was parked too close to the next car which was my Grandad's old red Rover from when I was a child & I asked the driver could he edge away a bit, so he did. 

Then I started to properly say bye to my granny, I said "I’ll miss you and I love you" and she said "me too, I really really really will". Then sort of started pulling at her clothes a bit distressed and I told her "it's ok but I have to go now" & the taxi started to drive with me still in it, just very very slowly out of her park away from her house and she said "I know". (This was her actual final journey, the hearse took from her home on the day of the funeral). Then she said like really quickly before I got out, "make sure your mummy comes to see me" & then in my dream I realised she was already gone in real life as I touched her and she felt a bit cool... maybe I was waking up... so I said "do you mean visits you just after you’re gone?" She said yes and I said "granny she did, she was the first one to come, with (my uncle) they both came the first night" & then like it all dissolved and she was gone and I woke up so upset.

Everything in the dream seemed planned, deliberate and so so poignant that I remembered every detail. I feel like it will never ever leave me & just wanted to tell someone about it/ get it down somewhere / get it out / talk about it!!!! Sorry it's so long but I needed to do that. It was so real, but our actual goodbye was so much more beautiful than this. 
 

I'm hoping this makes me feel a little better because I feel so wretched now with grief, I thought I was doing so well but been waiting for it! 
 

thanks for taking the time to read this... if indeed you got this far!! Any advice, thoughts or comments or comfort greatly received.

My best wishes to you for whatever your reasons are for being on here... 
 

Vicstar x