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I don't know how to accept my Mum has died

Speedie
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My Mum died on August 20th. We knew she was going to die but not the date. I went home to look after her - to the best of my ability - with the support of our medical professionals for fifteen months. It started with a block of chemo that would last from June till October but because Mum had already had cancer (ovarian) when she was just thirty-six and the treatment that went along with that, this new treatment for her new (oesophageal) cancer knocked the stuffing out of her. Four months of treatment became a year, and after we got through all this, we learned there was nothing more that the medical team could offer her. That was a rough day — one of so very many.

We took Mum back and forth to the hospital for each treatment, she dreaded going but rallied round when she met the other patients who were - no doubt - as frightened as she. Mum was always good at rising to an occasion. We talked her through the highs of the initial steroids, the ‘low’ week after the steroids wore off and the final week where she rallied round in her three-week cycle. We threw everything at trying to help her through her treatment and make her life as good as it could be during this time, but the outcome is the same.

There were even times during her treatment that we had additional traumatic things to contend with. Mum was flown to hospital in an air-ambulance and then not put in a ward that was suitable for her needs as a chemotherapy patient. There were a catalogue of things she/we had to deal with that no patient going through cancer treatment should have to worry about.

Mum understood she was going to die but still spoke of the future. That was hard. Sometimes I didn’t know if she fully understood and other times I knew she was well aware. When you have spent your life talking about the future, it is hard to stop.

I am not angry; I find this all very hard to believe. I don’t know how to make sense of it.

I know how much my Mum’s first cancer affected her. It never left her. For her to be diagnosed again after 36 years free was devastating. I am so very sad. I don’t know if I even know how to begin grieving. If any of you have any advice or insight, let me know. Thank you.

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    Hi there,

    I lost my twin brother to cancer in July and the pain of losing him is unbearable. There's not a minute of any day I don't think about him. Like you I still can't get my head round it.
    I don't know if I would be the right person to offer advice as I'm struggling myself, but all I can say is that this forum is given me help and support. Although you might feel like it, your not alone. I've been getting online bereavement counselling from the charity Sue Ryder. You fill out an online form to get one to one appointments with a counsellor. It's helping me to talk to someone who, no disrespect, I don't know and I don't have to worry about their feelings. 
    Your welcome to message me whenever you want to talk if that helps.

     

  • Offline in reply to Par7

    Thank you for taking the time to reply and for your advice. I am so sorry for your loss. I didn't know what to write here. Nor do I understand how to begin with accepting what has happened. I will try reading more on the site here and see where that might lead me. Cancer is such an awful disease. It is not just that someone dies but the way they are taken from you. Though we went through every step of Mum illness and care with her I feel at times like this didn't happen to us, as if it was some sort of terrible nightmare. Thank you again for writing. I wish you well as you try to come to terms with your twin's passing. I hope it helps to know I appreciate you reaching out.

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    Hi Speedie

    I lost my mother last November and in a few weeks it will be a year without my mother. Still now I find it hard to accept or understand. I know she is gone but I still think I will see her again it's as if my mind will not let me accept the bleak finality of it and there is nothing I or anyone can do to change it. It feels as if I'm living my life in parallel universe, if this makes any sense.

    It sounds like you were very close to your mother and you were with her throughout her illness. I take some comfort in the fact I had a very close relationship with  my mother as I know not everyone has this, so I was indeed blessed. 

    I do take comfort reading what people have posted just to think what I am feeling is 'normal' I have struggled and still struggle to know if I am grieving in the right way. I have read there is no right or wrong way to grieve, still I question myself. I still think the last two years have been a nightmare and I will wake up and it will all have been a cruel dream, I mean how can my mother be gone?

    I just wanted to reply to say you're not alone in how you are feeling. Take it day by day, feel how you want to feel. It's a truly crap place we find ourselves in but there are people who are so supportive here and who understand. 

    Take care x x x

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