Hiya, 

My dad was diagnosed in January with stage 4 pancreatic cancer that had spread to his liver.  In the discussion with the oncologist he was given the option to have chemo inattempt to prolong his life, In that room he asked ME what would I do I said Ild take the chemo and with that he agreed to have it (an opinion I now regret). He managed 2 rounds of chemo with the side effects taking their toll for the 3 round they lowered the strength in hope he would manage better. He played down some of the side effects thinking they would stop the chemo altogether and he didnt want that but I had to explain over and over it so it be the cancer that will be deadly to him it will be the chemo! I suspected he had a blood clot in his leg he did t want to go hospital but I made him and we found out there was 6! One had traveled to his groin area that could have been fatal! His a proud man and don’t like to be a burden on anyone and he belives that he was taking up too much of people’s time. At the time of diagnosis he didn’t have a stable home he was staying with me my partner and my 5yr son but a few weeks later he was put into assisted living his only 53! But it was his own place for him to relax and do what he wanted without the noise of all us ( another thing I now regret). I met up with my dad on the Friday we had lunch, the Saturday I tried calling and did t hear from him, I called the main office and they said his fine, they spoke to him on the intercom.  I thought hey maybe he just wants to take a nap. Some time past and still nothing it didn’t sit right with me I called the office again and told them this is out of character and to check again “ his fine his in bed” my dad would never ignore me! I drove there and demanded to be let into his flat and I find him sprawled across the bed shallow breathing mouth sooo dry he must have been like that all day! He was unable to talk only grunt! I called the ambulance and on arrival to the hospital we discover he has a cyst in the lung! And from then everything went down hill, over the next 5 days, The cyst had popped and collapsed his lung, he then had a drain inserted to drain the fluid, they also discovered that his liver was now failing and then he had contracted sepsis! I was informed that they was going to withdraw medical treatment as he was too poorly for an operation and even if he was to recover the cancer was to advance so they basically told me there’s no hope all I asked for was a private room and they told me it was being arranged. They had put him on a syringe driver he become unsettled, hallucinating so agitated it was heartbreaking to see he just kept saying he wanted to go home! They then upped the dosage and told me it wouldn’t be long now! I feel like my dad was put down like a animal. Sedated, and I feel that he was in his head screaming help me but his body unable to do anything. He was scared of dying and I don’t know if he knew that he was going to die and he was left to do so on a ward they wasn’t able to get us a private room! My dad lost his fight 3 months after diagnosis! 1 week before my due date of his granddaughter that he desperately wanted to meet! I honestly thought he would have got the chance too and I kept telling him not to be silly of course you will. It breaks my heart that he never got to hold her or see her face. 

I think of him all the time but sometimes I get the flash image of him in my head of the moment I had to close his eyes. Or of him laid in the chapel of rest. I don’t regret either of these things but they seem to want to take over the images I want to remember. I feel so many emotions but this feeling of anger and the sadness I have towards my dad for him losing his life it’s unbearable at time. I don’t know what I should do.