Hi, I'm having a bit of a down day today and come browsing on the Internet for confirmation that my feelings are normal and this will get better.  I too lost my mum to cancer (last month) and I feel completely lost, I struggle to talk to friends as I feel jealous they have their mum still-  I do know this is an incredibly horrible thing to feel so I just try and keep myself away from any situation where somebody might ask how I am. I too watched my mum deteriorate in weight and battle so hard.  I really do sympathise with you and I have heard/read that it does get easier.. it just feels like I'll never have a place to call home again and that it doesn't matter how many friends/partners etc I have I am truly on my own! 
sorry for going on, this is the first time I've posted! X

Hi 

Im so sorry to hear your mum had a battle too . Cancer is so cruel. No one prepared me for  what was to come.At first I felt quite angry that my mum suffered so much in the end , but I think she hung on so that we had the strength to let her go, we could not bear to see her suffer any longer.

I try to focus on the future as I know my mum would hate me to be sad ( Cancer can’t win twice). It’s hard at times , life feels like it’s changed and I sometimes wonder if I will ever get back to my old self and then on my good days I kinda feel guilty for forgetting my mum. It’s a real head mess time .  

It’s made me feel like I’m st a crossroads in my life . I’m sure this is a natural part of grief , all be it tough x

Honestly, I fully understand what you mean.  I also worry that this is me now... just kind of existing and it terrifies me that this is as good as it gets.  I do take solace in the fact it's still early days, for you too, so things can get better but what an enormous loss you have to continue living without.  I genuinely wish you all the luck in the world and you are right, our mums would not want us to be sad X

I think your absolutely right it is early days and I think it’s about moving to a new us not back to the old one . Initially I did feel like an orphan ( which seems silly given that I have two sons) but as the time has gone on that has passed and I do have times when I feel life’s genna be ok , it’s the times when it comes out of the blue and feels like yesterday that I struggle with . But I remind myself that my mum faced death with a smile on her face so I should do the same with living . I completely relate to how you are feeling and it can be crushing at times, but I’m sure  your mum would be so so proud of you x what you have been through is heartbreaking at the deepest level. Take some comfort in the fact that to have a broken heart you must have been very loved and cancer can’t take that away x

Kerri x