Hi I'm in the same boat as you watching my dad die few weeks ago.. along with the cancer he caught a infection and he couldn't talk or anything and he was trying to tell us something and we couldn't make out what he said.. I had my hand on his chest feeling his heart beat to the very last.. I think im mentially scarred now 

Hi,

I lost my mum 14 weeks ago to a brain hemorrhage.it is indescribably sad for me and I have just started bereavement counselling. I cant say it is helping yet but it is giving me another person to talk to. My daughter refuses to discuss her nan as she gets to upset and my partner has had enough of the sadness and wants us to get a normal life back.

One of the things I have realised that is compounding my grief is that I lost my best friend and my dad in the same year, 21 years ago. 

I watched my best friend consumed with ovarian cancer and my dad suffer non Hodgkin's lymphoma.

My best friend was only 35 and left a husband and 2 children. I visited her ever night in hospital and drank a last beer with her when she was brought home to die. And do you know what? I never heard her complain once. She was the bravest person I ever met. I have put her in a closet in my mind for many years now but since mum died I think about her all the time.

Life isn't fair and its cruel. She knew you were with her till the end and supported her husband.

Sue ryder do a counselling service on their website which I have heard is very good but it is face to face over a webcam.

Speak to your gp about nhs services, I am currently waiting for CBT.

Cheryl x

Thanks for the heads up about Sue Ryder, I hadnt come across that. I like to think Im a counselling guru as Ive had that much in the past, but for nothing like this. I want to help others and be stong for her memory but cancer is a word I will not repeat on this forum. I cant believe how devastating it is and what it does. Thanks for the replies xxx

Hi Helnbak47 

I saw your post and knew straight away I had to respond ! I'm sorry to hear about your best friend, this time is probably one of the hardest, other than seeing them in that stage. My dad recently died of pancreatic cancer and the way I saw him before his death has been haunting me ever since, I also feel like I can't remember what he was like before the cancer. Even earlier this year he was a shell of who he once was. I dream about him in this way and whenever I think about him, I think about the last few days when he was unconscious. 
 

I am trying to look at photos of when he wasn't like this, to remember him this way, but this just makes me sadder, because I know he would have hated to look like he did and he would hated me to have seen him that way ! 
 

Reading the replies to this to try and help

Like you afew weeks ago I was holding my mums hand watching her until her last breathe 

unbelievable pain and I am haunted every day 

I am sorry for your loss 

I am definitely mentally scarred. I prob have PTSD tbh. Lets give a run down so far.

JAN I got diagnosed with breast cancer that spread to lymphs

FEB Hubby John died of bowel cancer & tho end was not the worst I seen, it was hard. His face sagged

MAR; John.s funeral & me off work with stress - worked fast paced job till just before he died

APR  Dear friend of 20 yrs died (prostrate cancer). Did 60m round trip n couldnt even step in church

MAY Dear neighbour I was close to died

JUN My 1at bday without john in my life since age15 - Im 62.... 3yr old grandson gravely ill

JULY 4th I go for cancer surgery, grandson dead by time I come round

AUG 14, 30, 31 Special days - john 65th, Baby bday, 4.Baby's dad 42, our 45th wedding anniv

SEPT 18 Uncle dies - last liink to my Dad, hos refused facetime - he 170m away

SEPT 19 hours after Uncle gone, dear friend like a brother dies (cancer again)

SEPT 23 start radiotherapy alone and miserable. Prev injured shoulder killing after & transport so late getting me home its almost bed time. Same next day too.

THIS NOT EVERYTHING just 'HIGHLIGHTS'....you woulldnt want to be me.  And of all of this, loss of my soul mate of 47 yr in total worst thing as he woulda got me thru the rest..... QUEEN HAS NOT  had an 'ANNUS HORRIBILIS'. Every single month this year has had summat. Its almost normal now....tHIS my friends, is an ANNUS HORRIBILIS.......

Oh.my.god.  Winnie!  there are no words! I just can’t believe what you have been through. You must be one hell of a strong woman. I’m so sorry for all of your losses.  Are you getting the support you need to get through this? Do you have a support system, other friends and family? 

Please reach out if you need support. I am happy to talk if you want a friend.  Misery loves company!

Laura x

Its so kind of your Laura....And not sayin anyone else's pain worse than mine. Each has own tbh I do feel for you all. We got a daughter and son. Son Autisic, has semi vegetative 17 yr old and is also the dead baby's Daddy, so not coping as it is. He can't support me its tuther way round in fact. Our girl was with me and her dad all way thru his cancer over 3.5yrs.she so exhausted. Bp dangerously high n caused a heart issue. I can't drag her thru round two when John had not even died when I got diagnosed. Felt terrible havin tell him just before he died but we'd no secrets. So no, doll, doing this largely alone. Daughter does phone calls I can't but thats it.  if only I had John, not just my rock, my obsession from day one & he still is.   Counselling etc not work....made me worse not better. So on I trudge...

Mon hip assessment & funeral no. 5 so cancelled radiotherapy. Not chuffed at male staff at my age...and tbh private issues behind that from long ago (which they know). Detest having to keep divulging long buried stuff Not sure wot worse too...false compassion or none at all. ...& saga goes on. Uncles death to sort from 170 mile away....& treatment to continue.  There may be some poor soul worse off than me n my John, but Laura, I sincerely hope not ,with all my heart..  xx

I had a small melt down yesterday as I found out that CRUSE has no funding so no couselling available, only leaflets! MIND have a 6 month waiting list for counselling. Local hospice wont talk to me as I am not a blood relative. I found that you can email the Samaritans rather than ring them so I did that today, vented quite a lot, and they replied within 2 hours. I think I have a new outlet so that's a good start.