Hi rebecca 

I know exactly where you are coming from. My mum died of a massive brain hemorrhage on the 14th june. It was a massive shock for me and then the post mortem revealed that she had severe heart disease and had evidence of a historic heart attack.

Why didnt I notice all this? She was still doing all my childcare, getting up at 5am to have a cup of tea with me before work, doing food shopping to make my life easier.

My partner says we probably prolonged her life by getting her so involved in our lives and providing her company by having her to live with us, but I just feel so guilty.

If I had seen her decline I would have made her slow down and she may still be with us now.

Perhaps guilt is just simply part of grief no matter what our circumstances are.

Try not to put yourself through what I am x

hi [@C1971]‍ Thankyou soo much for messaging. 

I am sorry for your loss of your mother, my heart goes out to you. 

Thankyou so much for taking your time and commenting on my post. Your words, put me at ease and I’m glad that I’m not the only person that feels this way. I mean, just like you, it was obvious that my father was extremely unwell. My father’s cancer was diagnosed as terminal May 2018- and I still felt as if the day wasn’t going to come and was blind to everything. My father fought and fought and he’s such a strong man. I am so proud of him and he will always have a place in my heart- forever and always. 

I really do hope that we meet again. 

If only i could turn back time.

beccca x

Hi

Apologies for being 3 years behind the thread but I have just lost my Dad very suddenly and unexpectedly.  I'm also wrestling with the question of 'why didn't we see it and why didn't we do more'?

My Dad was a relatively healthy 'young' 70 year old, although he had struggled with depression and anxiety at various points through his life.

For the last few months he was a bit 'off colour' and complaining of some abdominal pain.  We put this down to him hurting himself when lifting a sofa.  He never made us aware of any other red flag type symptoms.  

A few weeks ago he started to really deteriorate, with increasing pain, agitation and confusion.  Just over a week ago he was taken into hospital where they confirmed he had sepsis and was very poorly.  He had an abscess through the bowel wall which extended from his kidneys to his leg.  We assumed this was due to an injury and could be treated.  We were floored a couple of days later when a CT scan showed advanced colon cancer which had spread to the liver.  The disease was too widespread and he was so frail that treatment was not an option.  He passed away a few days later under the gentle care of the palliative care team.  

Surely we should have spotted something as the cancer is likely to have been developing over a long period of time.  He was having slight problems with co-ordination and speech for a while but we assumed this was just an age thing.  He had been waiting for a neurology appointment for 6 months and maybe this would have shown that it was caused by the cancer spreading to his brain?

It turns out he had told my cousin a few months ago that he thought he had cancer.  He never said anything like that to my Mom or I.  I suspect that was because we would make him go for investigation and get treatment and he felt that he was too emotionally fragile for that.

At the moment I feel like I'm in some kind of virtual reality game and it's not true.  So much so that I'm getting on with life pretty much as normal.  That said, when I do I re-connect with reality it's the same pain over and over again.

Marie

Hi Marie , I am so so sorry to hear about the loss of your father. Nothing can ever prepare you for a loss of a loved one. This year marks 3 years since my father passed away and it just still doesn't seem real. The only way I can describe it is as though Ive lived two different lives. It's not until I actually sit down and remind myself that this has actually happened , I realise that my father is no longer here on Earth. I honestly feel sometimes that my father is still here and I literally spoke to him yesterday  and I feel like sometimes it makes me feel as though I'm not missing him almost - when that is definitely not the case . They time is a healer , I personally don't feel this way. 
as time goes on you learn to deal with your pain . As time goes on I'm finding it harder . The fact that my dad won't be here to see me walk down the isle , meet my future children absolutely breaks me . I hope you find some comfort in knowing that you're not alone . And I really do hope that we meet our loved ones again. 
 

sending you my love, my inbox is always open x

Thank you for the kind words x

Sorry for your loss , i think its a part of grief to torment yourself over not realising a loved one is ill! Im sure your Dad wouldnt want you to feel like that- Presumably he knew?!! My Father took ill in 2021 but the signs were obvious 2 years prior - i did think he had Cancer but my Mum & siblings either thought i over worry( which i do sometimes) tremendous weight loss & withdrawal, this ended up collapsing with a ruptured bowel tumour? He hung between life n death spending 13 weeks in hospital ( lockdown) .. He had an iliostomy & got lifr slowly back on track- driving ect- until 3 weeks ago- Cancer is back & in liver also , home from Hospice & its a waiting game sadly... Try & remember the good times - nothing will come of you giving your self a hard time- sometimes were too close to notice xxx