Hello... my lovely mum lost her battle with Ovarian cancer yesterday. We are all in a kind of limbo wandering around dad’s house not knowing what to do. I didnt sleep well. I spent an hour sobbing on her bed smelling her pillow looking at her glasses and nick nacks and the fish tank that she stared into night after night worrying about her wonderful family and how they would cope after she went.
My mum was the anchor, the rock of the family. Kind, caring, soft and gentle. always the first person we rang when in trouble. Dad is/was her anchor. Her soulmate of 54 years.
when she was diagnosed as incurable stage 4 on 5th March 2017 my world stopped. I took it hard. It took me months to come to terms with the concept of losing my beloved mum. they had said she would not make November without ultra radical surgery.
she had the surgery in Sept and it was unsuccesful. the state of her insides made it impossible to continue surgery apart from a few bits. they found it in her liver, bowel, kidney, attached to her bladder... it was bad. the surgeon cried when he came to us and told us that he couldnt give her the 5 years he’d hoped.
the following 2 years have been the best and worst of my life. I have had to carry on my life as normal, being strong for the family and watching the most wonderful person in ther world suffer in a way I would not let a dog. We made wonderful memories, we went away, we laughed, we cried. we sat vigil at her bedside in hospice and had difficult conversations that made us cry buckets. we knitted together, she taught me how to stuff the christmas turkey.... but for the whole of these 2.5 years I have been battling depression. I’ve not been myself and my poor husband has taken the brunt. I’ve been a complete cow to him at times. short tempered and even mean. "my mum is dying! what do you expect!"
her pain management meds made her very drowsy and not herself. the pain itself made her tetchy and short tempered in a way our family is not used to. she battled hard and tried her best, but she was a woman of deep emotions and conscience and she did her best to hide her deep pain from most, but to me she bared her soul. At times even I told her to stop, I couldnt always bear the emotional torment she was going through. I tried so hard, I found her a counsellor and that helped her. she went on anti depresents etc.
yesterday after a couple of days of not being well my dad phoned the ambulance and she arrested in the ambulance, she was not revived. we went through the day in a daze.
And I woke up feeling... relief? Is that horrible? when we talked about death mum said she wasnt afraid of death, she was a woman who beleived in reincarnation and souls and she was excited to see her dad again! but she said she was terrified of the end, dying by inches with us by her bedside for weeks watching her light fade. she went the way she would have wanted. so quick she knew nothing about it. Harder for us, as we didnt get to say goodbye. but she deserved the end she got and I thank any higher power that her wish came true.
I say relief. I felt like a dark shroud I have been wearing for these past years has melted away. I had a rock in my stomach that was the worry of watching mum in so much pain. the torment of her dealing with death. I found it unbearable. honestly unbearable. to know she is now at peace and that she’s not suffering. oh my lord. I’m so happy. so why am I sobbing? why am I feeling lighter in my soul, while hacking sobs are torn from me? Oh! Oh yes... my mum is dead.... my mum is dead..... and the only person who can kiss the tears away.. is my mum....
so now the true mourning can start. I can look back and celebrate her life as she wanted. I will cry all the time, but the crying will get less, I have family and friends who love me and have been here themselves.
If you managed to make it to the bottom, I want to wish you all the love and health in the world. thank you
