The big c

i have had a hard and difficult life but nothing has been going right since the start of 2016 difficult got a whole new meaning!! My late husband and I found out he had secondary brain tumours and the primary was in his lung. I have never seen anyone who was so strong(he was running around at work!!) to becoming an old man!! He had served in the army in the past too he was always there for me he was my rock and anchor and the kids (grown up and young grandchildren alike) all loved him dearly. This awful disease respects no one! And I found that it put petty squabbles in their place in the order of the scheme of things. 

      We were told he had six months. There was no cure or operation that would of saved him I’m hoping that that magical day lies not too far off in the future.I helped him put his affairs in order, and he was so very brave. I watched him age before my eyes. We were married on his 62nd birthday and he passed ten days later. I had a wonderful time with him and I miss him every second of every day. I always thought I would die first as I have end stage renal failure I never saw it coming!! Life threw us a curve ball. I have been feeling ill and have now had my fistula done as I promised him and my family I would fight and go down fighting!! He did spend weeks having targeted radiotherapy to the brain tumours but they just grew  bigger straight away and I sometimes think all that queuing to get into the hospital all those hours spent waiting to be seen could have been put to better use. I suppose I’ll never know. I do know that I’m facing my own death without my rock and it’s really hard. My mother has now got senile dementia and I have a bi polar daughter who I love so much. My kids and grandkids need me to be here so I’m going to be here as long as  Ican. 

 I have read all your stories that are on here and the only choices we can make are what we think are the right ones. I don’t think there’s right or wrong just we are all on our own journeys and reading about you folks made me cry. You are all wonderful      

 

  •  My goodness me, you have had it tough that is for sure. That you are on this forum, posting about your husband, his illness and your diagnosis speaks volumes of your strength and the kind of woman you are. Thank you,

     It is so easy in the midst of grief to be incredibly selfish. One thing I have learnt since losing Steve (and something I knew before he died) it’s just how lucky I am. 

     I am surrounded by loving family, friends. I have a job, I am financially independent and my own home. Of course it means nothing without Steve (at the moment) but at least I have those things. I also, as far as I know, have my health.  There are countless people on here who are worse off than me. so, without meaning to offend anyone, whenever I am feeling sorry for myself I come on here and read about the bravery of others. It is sobering, humbling and teaches me to celebrate what I had and what I have.

     I know how hard it is to lose a soulmate. I have no idea what it must feel like to face into my own death at such a hard time.  I wish you strength, courage and I’m sending you lots of love. 

    Xx