Hi, 

first time of posting and not overly sure how to put into words what I want to say. On June the 24th i sadly lost my grandad to terminal lung ca. It had been missed + misdiagnosed to the point of where it had metastasised. He died 1 week following diagnosis. 

For the last 12 years I had lived with my grandparents, my dad wasn’t around so my grandad was ultimately my dad. My best friend and everything. He was growing up, my chauffeur, my chef and my bank account. I had a little boy last year who subsequently adored one another. 

At the time, I was able to cope, I was there for my grandma and was able to reassure her it was for the best. It was horrible to see him deteriorate from a big huge man to a skeleton. I managed to write a speech and speak at the funeral and visit his body at the chapel. I was coping until recently. Every single day I am tormented by him, seeing his suffering bodya dan face the night before he died. It is constantly in my head. Seeing his face, seeing him in hospital, not in a ghost form, but visulatision. I work in a hospital so there  are lots of triggers, I.e same names, same diagnosis, hearing certain machines. I see him everywhere. I stay at my grandmas 2 times a week to keep her company, but every where I go I just constantly visualise him. It is constantly in my mind, him, him being gone, how much I miss him, how lost I am without him, how much he suffered, seeing him suffer and the thought of him being told he has terminal cancer. I struggle with every single day. I know it’s only 3 months but it certainly doesn’t get any easier. It feels as though a part of me has died. It feels as though my. Best friend has gone, I have no one to share things or tell things to. 

I guess I’m just struggling with life and I’m looking for someone else who may have went through the same or similar experiences who could guide me with my grievance . 

Thank you

Adam