I sit here writing this with tears rolling down my cheeks. As I have just listened to the words to a song called Butterfly Kisses and they are just so my Dad. 

The story started December 2017. Dad went in for some tests. After going through these and seeing the doctor they told him he had Bladder Cancer. At this stage I did not know what stage it was at. He starred BCG treatment in January 2018. After this had not worked he saw doctors again I asked if I could go with him and mum when he next went to see them at the hospital. 

It was about May 2018 time I think ( lost track of everything, you'll understand). The doctor confirmed that the BCG had not done what they wanted it to and he said it's stage 4. Well this took me back I had questions these went out the window. They were putting him forward for a course if radiotherapy, so he had this last summer finished that in early September. Saw the doctor who said that this had not worked. He ended up with a catheter which he hated. The doctor put them in touch with McMillan, for palliative care. At this point dad  was walking going shopping and driving. iAt the beginning of October he got sepsis and was in hospital just over a week. Had an appointment to see the consultant this got mixed up at their end and he didn't go as they didn't understand that he was in hospital. Saw them a couple of weeks later and they where going to see if chemotherapy would be viable. Saw the doctor a couple of weeks later ( having had to arrange transport as dad was not able to get downstairs and we were awaiting a stairlift going in, another story). He saw a lovely doctor who explained that due to him not being fit enough she would not be able to give him chemotherapy.

While waiting to come home I saw him counting on his fingers. I asked mum later that night is she knew how long dad had got as I saw him counting she said he had asked the doctor how long she had told him nothing is definate approximately 6 months. So from 13 October to 14 December 2018. He stayed upstairs in bed most of the time saying things that didn't make sense. Got dressed in the 11 December with the help of my brother and me and gave me a kiss, made his way downstairs on his bottom (no stairlift in ) sat in the front room for a couple of hours. Then went back upstairs and that was the last I saw. 

I feel so guilty not being there more. My mum did a fantastic job looking after dad. 

McMillan came once a week to see how things were. 

I'm just so glad dad was at home and not in hospital when he passed. 

Sorry for the long jumbled story, just struggling to get my head round this.. Me and mum are sure Dad knew more about his condition more than he wanted to tell us. 

He also had a pacemaker and diabetes which is why the doctor said they would prefer not to operate to remove his bladder and which is why he went down the BCG route.. 

Thank you for reading this. 

If anyone can help me, please let me know what I can do.