Its been two days since she passed. My mommy was everything to me, she was beautiful kind and caring up to her very last moments. I'm having issues sleeping at the moment and eating, but I know it's all part of the process. She is here with me I just know it. Her final hours were horrifying for me to see her the way she was, wasn't truly my mommy. I am now starting to remember all the good times, finding odd things around the house. Like her shopping list waitrose - carmel source. Brings a smile to my face. She loved putting that in her vanilla Amshakes. 

She was diagnosed with terminal small celled lung cancer 24th August 2018, it was a tough year she faught so bravely though, so much strength and diginity. My true warrior mom! It's an odd feeling I have no guilt in laughing and crying of her. I did some ironing yesterday had no idea how to actually do it, she did everything till her last day. Dad and I had a chuckle of not being able to use the dishwasher. I know she would be laughing away at that. The thought of us two working together she'd be so happy we finally aren't butting heads. I don't feel so much guilt just the day before i wasn't there mjch and i dont know if I said I loved her. But she held on till my brother and I got there to say our goodbyes and I love you's. Then she drifted off into a deep sleep. 

All just hurting, my friend gave me good advice she lost her mom too. You can't do anything for them now physically now, other than live your life and make them proud. I know she was so proud of her twins (me and my brother) what we do and will do. I feel some guilt that we can do our own things and not tide down to having to stay at home. It's wierd. Like have to do things and go out but the passed here been so use to 'mommy sitting'. 

Anyway, she passed away 1 year and four days from the official diagnose. She faught like a true viking warrior queen. She's going off to enjoy Valhalla final warriors resting place.