Hello Lucyda

I'm sorry that you, your dad and brother are having to go through this terrible time and empathise entirely with your situation and your current feelings. It's all very raw and no doubt you are still in disbelief and shock from what has happened and the bigger question of why someone you love so much passes so cruelly.

I lost my mum to ovarian cancer 8 months ago and like yourself am self-employed so took leave for a month but returned back only 2 weeks after the funeral. I was still running on adrenaline and the reality of what had occurred and the enormity of it all really took hold 4 months later. At this point I decided to stop work completely to give myself time to grieve properly before I became ill. On the grand scheme of things and considering I've worked for the last 32 years I don't think this is a lot. I've spoken to others who needed 6 months out and some like my brother who seemed to cope better by immediately returning to work and losing himself in his job. I think you have to do a bit of soul searching and do what you need at this time.

I don't think I could have got through the last months without my remaining family despite the fact that they are also bereft without Mum so I would advise staying close to your Dad and some days you will be stronger than him and vice versa. I started bereavement counselling 12 weeks after Mum died and it helps having a safe place to offload my fears, frustrations at life and generally have a good cry away from the rest of my family. Like you I don't want to cause further stress for them. Have you contacted your local hospice or Macmillan service?

Workwise I'm just starting to think about returning to work but am now looking at career changing as my heart has gone out off my previous job in healthcare. I'm taking small steps by doing locum work part-time, maybe you could consider part time and supplement it with something else - it doesn't have to be a long term thing.

I didn't think I would ever function properly again and although some days are as awful as they were the day Mum passed away there are also some days where I can laugh again at silly things which I know she wanted us all to do but I don't for a second stop wanting her back. Don't think too far ahead, have loose flexible plans for the time being and as your body and mind slowly process the grief things will become clearer for you.

There are others on this site who share the pain of grief and are at different stages of processing it so be as brave as you can on any one day and keep going forward x .