Hi everyone i am not to good with were to put my gull stops and commas so sorry lol
My mum passed away 2016 she started getting stomoke aches and could not go to the toilet properly and she was diagnoised with cervical cancer that she managed to fight with chemo and radiotherapy but a year down the line she was still getting the horrendous tummy aches and doctors then said it had spread to her lymph nodes and she would have 18 months to live with chemo or 12 months without. This is were my world felt like it was being torn from me. I was 28 at the time and my sister 14 years old that had also lost her father due to a drug overdose when i was 16 and my sister 2. My mum was my best friend the person who put everything right the person who made me feel i was never alone and could tell anything and she would alwats be there for me. I watched my mum cry and beg for someone to help her. my son was her world her only grandson that was 8 when she passed away he meant the world to my mum like we all did. Her tummy aches carried on getting worse and worse but the doctors could not find out the reason for them. On the 3rd of december 2015 3 months after being told the cancer was terminal my mum suffered a bowl perforation and was taken to hospital for emergency surgery which they gave her a stoma bag. When i went to see her she was on a lofe support machine and i just couldnt take seeing her like that and broke down inside completely but made out to everyone i was fine but i was shaking inside staying strong. My mum came around the next morning but had very bad cycosis and the hospital had to put these boxing glove type of gloves on her and strap her to the bed as she kept thinking she was drowning and falling and shouting out which was heartbreaking and crushing. I noticed my mum couldnt keep her water down and she kept chocking everytime she had a drink of water which i knew was not right and her stomoke was so swollen after a week the stitches looked like they were being wripped out of her tummy. I then got told my mums stoma bag was not working and there was nothing more they could do! I didnt really understand this at tge time as again my anxiety kicked in and i went numb. My mum was nil by mouth for a whole 6 weeks i had to watch her starve with nothing seeing her hungry and thirsty and just shrinking infront of my eyes the memories of this make me cry my eyes out whilee writting so im sorry about my spelling i just have to keep writting or i worry i may stop like i always do and hold it in . I had to watch her stomoke swell so much it was black but the hospital said if ger stomoke perforates again it will be a quick death how lovely are they! I was in robot mode everyday i felt like i wasnt really there and i was dreaming. I went to visit my mum on the 7th of jan and her bed was wet and she was rolling around in pain telling me she couldnt see anything which killed me i just vouldnt take it anynore and this may sound discusting i loved my mum more than anything in the world but if i could of taken it all away right there for her i would of she was begging to die and shouting that she couldnt take the pain i went and got a nurse that found out her morphine drio had been leaking and thats why she was in so much pain. Once they sorted the drip back out my mum was just laying there staring at me with tired eyes and i cant get tgis image out of my head i couldnt do anything i couldnt save her and i knew she was dying and felt helpless i just held her hand. She was breathing really deep but taking alot of time to breath again and thats when a lady came in to say a prayer for her. As the lady finished the prayer my mun took her last breath but i didnt cry because i had got told the hearing was the last thing to go so my body started to shake like i was having a fit i manage to ask if she was gone and can i hug her now and not hurt her. The nurse said yes and i just scooped my mums lifeless body up and and screamed and cried so hard i didnt even no i could do that rocking back and foward. I hadnt been able to hug her for so long without hurting her tummy the emotions i felt were all over the place and hurting all over like i had veen hit eith bricks. I felt like i died with her that day and i have nightmares and anxiety and i have just turned into a complete nervous wreck. Please dont tell me to go to councilling as its been 3 and a half years and i just dont feel ready even writting this is hard for me and a first step to talk to people and try and except she is not hear but i will go when ready to i just need a little longer. I just cant except it i block it out and i just dont feel like me anymore. I lost my best friend and mum and i even talk to her in my head hearing her voice reply to me i no that sounds crazy but i do. I stuggle to look at her picture or think of good memories as a child because it hurts so much if i let everything out i worry i wont stop and the feelings i have are so poweful i am scared if i cant control them and something bad may happen. I have so much rage and anger that i just cant release because i feel like i wont be able ti stop. I cant take not having my mum around. Since she died i have had 2 spine surgeries i think due from stress but i dont no and had to leave my job and lost half of my hair that just keeps falling out no matter what i do i am totally gutted and crushed and have flashbacks of everything i have seen there is so much i havent wrote but it would take all day to write. I just need my mum i miss her so much it foesnt just hurt it takes my breath away and i feel like my heart has been stepped on and totally crushed. I carry on my normal day blocking everything out and feel a bit normal then i think of 1 memory or see something and its like a slap in the face everything hits me and feels like i just lost her all over again. I wish someone out there could bring her back i just need to talk her and see her so much. I just cant believe there is nothing i can do to see her again my mum died age 49 and i just cant deal with her not hear with me. If anyone feels the same please reply as i feel like no one understands
