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My beautiful Mum passed away today and I am so scared.

pgh95
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I don't know what to say.

My beautiful Mum passed away at 5pm today. She was and always will be so, so loved. I feel sick and panicky because it doesn't feel real and I'm scared it's going to hit me with the force of a train and I'll never recover from this. 

I'm only 24 and I just want my Mum. I need her back. It was a horrible, scary death and she opened her eyes just before it happened and I was so scared I had to leave the room and even though my sisters stayed, I'm scared that she was wondering where I was. In the week leading up to her death I stayed with her for 10-14 hours a day and we talked and cuddled and massaged her feet, and we had a big chat last night and I told her I loved her, but I feel like I should have stayed while it happened.

How will I ever get over this?

  • Offline in reply to ell1989

    Hi Emma, I’m Pippa.

    My mum died just over 24 hours ago, and you know what? I am ok. I am so sad and scared and in denial but at the same time, I feel peaceful. 

    I was in a similar situation to you in that my Mum was doing so well on a trial drug for ovarian cancer and then in May we found out she had secondary brain cancer. It absolutely destroyed me. 

    Have you done much reading on anticipatory grief? I felt it so strongly, but I think in a way it gave me some kind of preparation for how it would be, if that makes sense. You sound like you are doing SUCH an amazing job and giving your Mum all the love, care and attention in the world. You should be so proud of that and of your strength at the moment. Keep telling yourself how strong you are, because you really are. 

    Come on here when you’re scared, or sad or struggling, and I cannot stress this enough – call Macmillan on 0808 808 0000. When I was going into hospital and spending 10+ hours a day with my Mum, I would call Macmillan in the morning just to tell them what I was doing that day and to have a little cry, and it felt so good to get it off my chest. You are a Carer by definition now and you need someone in your corner too, which is why the resources are all there.

    I’m leading on my family for support and they are being amazing – are you close to your family? I understand being so worried about leaving your Mum, and I think your doctor would almost definitely sign you off work if you went in and explained the situation.

    If you need someone to talk to, I’m barely sleeping and pretty much always on here :) x

  • Offline

    Thanks Emma, that’s really kind of you. ️

    When I was caring for Mum everyone said, “take some time for yourself” and all I could think was that they didn’t understand and that I wanted to focus all my energy on Mum while she was here, but even if you just find one thing that gives you a little bit of respite every day, even if it’s just 20 minutes – 100% do it. 

    It would be so, SO wrong for your work to be annoyed if you asked for more time off but I understand where you’re coming from. This time is so important and I’m glad you’re so close to your family, it makes all the difference. 

    I hope the appointment goes well and some positivity comes from it – keep me updated! 

    Pippa xxx

  • Offline in reply to pgh95

    Pippas right, do try and take some time for yourself but I understand if you don't. I was spending 12 hours a day with my mum, I didn't want to leave her side some days. And I don't regret that at all. Do everything you can for her whilst she is here, and I would definitely think about taking time off work.

    Leona xx

  • Offline in reply to pgh95

    Hi there again ...

    Just wanted to say , I never had a daughter ..just my son's .... but if d have been blessed with one half as wonderful as you , I'd have been well chuffed ..

    I think true goodness, shows through these heartbraking times when I've seen you reaching out to others to help them ...  I bet there's an angel up there with a smile on her face ... saying  " that's my girl"  

    Chrissie x 

  • Offline in reply to Chriss

    What a beautiful message to wake up to Chrissie, thank you so much

  • Offline

    I'm having such an awful, awful day. My aunts were supposed to take me shopping but one was 3 hours late and the other had to go back to home today to her own country, which I hadn't realised. She has been absolutely amazing but we had such a nice day planned including a walk in the afternoon and it didn't happen. I just wanted a bit of stability and structure today and instead we were on our own again less than 2 hours later.. 

    We went out to the garden centre to try and distract ourselves, but I only lasted 10 minutes before I broke down and had to go home.

    I feel so empty and when I went into the downstairs loo, I saw the soap my Mum used to wash, because she couldn't use the upstairs shower, and I smelt it and saw her fingernail marks in it and it broke me. I just stood there, doubled over, silently screaming. Why did she have to go like that? She was such a proud, independent woman and she had no dignity in the end. She's really gone and I wish I was with her. Just had to get that off my chest. 

  • Offline in reply to pgh95

    It’s 8 weeks for me and I’ve bearly left the house . I tried to go to M&S and look round the sale but as I did the nightie she had on when she passed was in the Salem and I just lost it and had to go home. I think all these things are only natural and please remember this is really early days. Really early days. I had been crying off when my friends called to go out etc but the last week I thought I need to get back out there and not feel guilty for Doing something normal so I went for dinner with friends and it was lovely. It’s  all about baby steps forward. I think I’m going to try yoga this week too - something for me. I’m very proud that you went out. It’s a start ! Your mum would be so proud too. Xx

  • Offline in reply to jelcic

    I'm really glad you've managed to get out a few times and genuinely enjoy yourself – it gives me hope for the scary future and I'm pleased that you're taking care of yourself, you should be proud too, as 8 weeks is no time at all.

    I do need to keep reminding myself that it's early days and everything is so raw, so I just need to take it slowly.

    P.s. thank you for being proud of me xx

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