So so sorry .. you have an amazing family .. I'm sure she is proud of you all ...she will live tucked up safely in your heart now ...

Sending you a vertual hug... Chrissie  

Hello sweetie - your lovely mum sounds great & from what you said you sound a lot like her given what you & your family did for her. 

What I always say is that your mum brought you into the world to live a life & that includes the good & the very, very sad. All the good things your mum gave you & did with you, will bring you comfort in times to come. Hang in there like your mum would, until you get to that point. You will I promise.

Post again if you feel like talking. I'll think of you. x

Hi there ..

You and dad need to hold each other's hand now .. none being strong for the other .. just share feelings .. talk about your mum, if your dad can ... I know some find it hard ...

I lost my mum suddenly from a heart attack and had no chance to even say those things like I was so proud to be her daughter... just always wanted one more hug .. one more l love you ... one moment in time ... I was 36 .. and she was my world ... 

I used to drive past her house and in my head I'd picture her still sitting in the kitchen frying her famous crispy chips .. and I'd say to myself ... I'll pop in on the way back from where ever I was going ... then on the way back .. think ill pop in tomoz ... it's the way I coped ... 

She used to call me most mornings when I was getting boys ready for school .. she'd sing "I just called to say I love you" and put the phone down .. still tugs at my heart today 30 years on ..but I've carried her with me .. we talk about her lots .. my grandchildren feel they know her from the story's...

Now I'm on my cancer journey.... my baby (37) and granddaughter in pic are my world ... but you know if this cancer takes me, I want to look down and see them smile .. I'd want them to remember the funny good times ... not the cancer ... because I'm more then cancer ... 

Cancer wants to make everyone a victim ... it wants those we leave behind to morn and remember the cancer days and cry forever ... if we carry on to make them proud ... do what they'd want us to do .. remember the mum that fed and taught you to walk .. watched you grow ... that's us ... even the times we disagreed .. you could make a memory book later when your ready for your children ..

I've made one for my Emily in pic .. I've helped look after her from a baby .. we adore each other totally .. I've put photos in of everywhere we've been .. things she did .. how much I love her , so as she grows she'll know how much she means to me ... 

She asked me if I'm going to die awhile ago .. I told her if I did, I'd be that little star next to the bright one as that's what we say is my mum's star ... so I can look down and see her every night .. and she can look up at me ...

So know your mum will watch over you, you just won't see her ... but you'll feel her, not when you look for a sign .. but when you don't expect it ... so yes let those feelings out .. don't hold them in .. then look up at the stars ... and she'll be there somewhere looking down at you and dad ...

Sending you a vertual hug.... Chrissie  

Wow. I can relate to every word. My experience with my mum was so similar and I'm almost the same age too. When did your mum pass away? It was March for me. I feel alone too. Even though my siblings have lost the same person, it still feels like what I feel is different and no one really gets it. My mum was everything to me. We had such a special bond and like your mum she was such a fighter and was not ready to go, she was mostly in denial in those last few weeks, but I think maybe it was nicer for her to go feeling that she was still fighting because that's who she was. It was so hard to watch her suffer in those last few weeks, and I still play those moments over in my head. In the end we did tell her she can let go, that we will be okay. I know that all she would want is for us to be okay. It happened in the night in the hospital, I was asleep near her with my sister. I think she wanted us to be asleep when it happened, but I feel at peace to know that I was there and holding her hand hours before. I miss her so much. Still can't believe that I won't get to be with her again.  

I also feel such deep sadness that my mum will not be able to be a grandmother to my future children - I know how much she looked forward to that,  it was probably the main reason she wanted to keep fighting, to be there. Someone once told me that my future children will get to meet my mum through me, which is a nice thought, but I just so badly wanted her to have that. 

I really feel your pain and you are right it just completely changes how you perceive life. I like to believe that we have to go through such immense deep pain for a reason. Some days I feel so inspired by all the things she has taught me as well as what this experience continues to show me. Nothing last forever- as sad as this is, it somehow reassures me. But I think our bond and the energy that she created does go on and transforms into beautiful things. 

I think we are lucky to have had such amazing mums, who gave us so much love. 

I hope your family are there for each other and sending you love xxxxxx

I hate that I am able to say I know how you feel, but I have sadly found myself in your position too, my darling mum had breast cancer 10 years ago and in January this year she found out it was back in her chest wall and lungs, so she started chemo. By May mum had crippling back pain which was eventually diagnosed as breast cancer in her spine, she had surgery to try and remove some and help the pain but it left her too weak to ever walk again and further imaging showed tumours in her brain too. She was discharged from hospital into a hospice and the plan was for her to be nursed at home by my dad, my brother and myself. A few days before she was to leave the hospice my dad called to tell me my mum had suffered a large stroke while he was with her in the hospice and had become unwell and very sleepy. Myself and my brother rushed to be with her and we all sat with her as she passed away 7 hours later. 

This all happened very recently, and we are all still fumbling round not really knowing what to do with ourselves, clinging to each other, traumatised, shocked and frightened. Overall, I just can’t believe that my intelligent, proud mum, full of vibrancy and life has gone. I know it happened, I just can’t believe it happened. She lit up the room and was the queen of our little family and the love of all our lives. She was my best friend and confidante, we spoke every day and I love her so much and feel I am going to be sad forever. Everyday tasks cannot be done without tears and I am dreading the ‘return of normality’ as its feels like nothing will ever be normal for us again.

Sorry this is ever so waffley, I don’t really know how I feel apart from so very sad,  but when I read your thread it just seemed similar to our story  and I wanted you to know you are NOT alone. X

Reading peoples responses in a way, makes me feel at ease, that they have experienced a similar loss.

i lost my mum on the 23 June, so not long ago.

Everthing you have said is so very true. I think deep down at the time you kinda feel like your the only person going through such a awful time loosing your mum. But in reality cancer is such a common disease. 

I just feel so angry that there was nothing more they could do for her, I just felt at times that doctors didn’t know what to do, they even tried my mum on chemo tablets but she had that many side effects from them they had to stop her taking them. 

I totally agree I don’t know about you but I always think to my self what would my do In this situation, what would she advise me to do.

i miss speaking to her about my day the most.

I don’t have the bond I did have with my mum, with my dad and that’s the hardest thing for me. As Like you said you have that special bond with your mum she’s just best friend. 

Thank you sending lots of love to you and your family also at this lost time xxxx

Thank you for responding, I thought that maybe writing on here would try and make things feel a bit easier...

really sorry to hear about the loss of your mum also, I don’t know about you but at the time it feels like this experience has only happened to you but in reality it’s a common thing but I still feel very bitter that there wasn’t more they could do and they couldn’t save her. 

I also thought in my mind when the doctors kept saying it’s very serious, in a way I thought I would try and prepare myself the best I could for that day to come but deep down no one can prepare them self of loosing there mum there best friend. 

Thats exactly what I keep going over the fact I can’t believe it. 

I haven’t gone back to work yet as I don’t feel ready, as I don’t know about you but it’s been around 3 weeks since my mum passed and it’s like that’s it, it’s happened get on with it,  even when I saw the funeral director collect her it was like she was some rubbish, they wrapped her up in the bed sheet. I know that this is life but its just so painful and that’s because our mums had so much life left in them and they were to young to leave us. 

As my mum liked to think she was getting better we never discussed the funeral or songs she would like, so when organising it was blur as you don’t know what your going to get asked as a small family that we are. My mum was the leader in the family and she was the one who kept us together and any rows in the house she would make us say sorry and say life is to short. 

I don’t know if this is helping you but it’s good that we are talking about it xxxx