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Anticipatory Grief

Shazzaspecs
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Hi.

First time posting but I have read lots over previous months. I lost my Mum to lung cancer 4 weeks ago now. I am coping far, far better than I could have imagined. We were very close and I was her sole carer in the last few weeks. Before lung cancer, she was unwell with severe COPD. Then along came the cancer with metastases in kidney, liver and bones that we know of. It was so extremely hard when she was given the terminal diagnosis. We spent days and days chatting crying, talking of what was to come, how would we deal with it etc. I hardly ever slept. I was continually  exhausted. I'm  sure I experienced Anticipatory Grief. I'm just wondering if that has helped me in the long run or am I waiting for a massive fall down. I watched her become more ill, frail, dependant for many months. There was a feeling of relief when she passed. Then I didn't think it had really sunk in. Maybe her funeral...but no, it was a lovely service and I still haven't been as heartbroken  as I imagined I would be. I don't deal with 'life' very well anyway,have anxieties etc and being so close to Mum, Ive surprised myself with how I have dealt with things. I guess I'm just wondering when it will hit me or if I dealt with it before she actually passed? 

Any thoughts or experiences would be welcome.

Sharon

  • Offline in reply to wasabi66

    Wasabi66, Thank you for taking the time to reply. 

    My heart literally goes out to you, you have been through so, so much. And if it does happen to 'hit'' you, then that is totally understandable. But if it doesn't that's ok too. Since I wrote this post, I really am believing in the anticipatory grief period and I do think that is what is helping us through. As purrfect says, and something I need to learn to do is take each day for what it is...and deal with tomorrow when it arrives. 

    My very best wishes go out to you. Take care

    Sharon

  • Offline

    Hi Sharon and all,

    Firstly sorry for all your losses my heart really does go out to you all. It such a soul destroying and heartbreaking time to watch a love one die and be unable to do anything.

    I lost my mother to lung cancer over seven months ago, I was extremely close to her and we become even closer during her illness. We were lucky enough to make some fantastic memories during her last couple of months. Some days the crushing weight of worry about what the day would hold was awful, the waking up and thinking how will she be today was unbearable the constant worry about every little cough, sneeze was overwhelming.  I cried to my mother when we found out she was terminal that I wouldn't be able to cope without her how could I possibly manage without her. She told me that we would be alright. She worried more about us than herself.

    I've cried of course since she passed but I've been nothing like I thought I would have been. Like you I thought I would fall apart at her funeral service but I found it to be such a lovely service and so many people came that I knew my mother would have been pleased and proud of us all. I'm still waiting to fall apart seven months on I miss her terribly and sometimes have an almighty crushing pain when I realise I won't see my lovely mother again but I'm coping in my own way and I know my mother is sending us strenght to keep on carrying on without her. It helps to hear that other people are somehow the same after losing a much loved person as in the early days and weeks and even now I still question myself am I normal in being like this as my mother meant the world to me and my children.

    Take care x x x x

  • Offline in reply to purrfect

    Hi thank you for replying to my post purrfect , your kind words made me cry. I will take your advice and just go with each day and try not to worry about tomorrow. I feel I haven’t dealt with the grief as I am constantly thinking about how much my little sister suffered. She wasn’t scared of dying but was upset to be leaving us all. We were going to grow old together and talk about our grandchildren, that we would have one day, but now that’s all been taken away. I miss her funny texts, she had a wicked sense of humour and would brighten my day. I still go to text her now, for a split second I forget she’s not here and then a wave of sadness comes over me. Sorry I’m rambling! I just wanted to say thank you purrfect. I’m thinking of everyone who is grieving a loved one, you are not alone either. Xxx

  • Offline in reply to Cwtch

    Cwtch

    Wow, I could have written that myself! Like you say, wondering what each day was going to hold...I can't even describe that incredibly daunting feeling to anyone that hasn't experienced it. Getting a chest infection, then  preparing yourself that this really is the end, only to find she pulls through, which was obviously great but the wave of extreme emotions....unbearable. All of that has gone. 

    I'm so sorry you have also gone through this. But I hope you don't mind me saying it has also given me hope reading your post. To know that you too were incredibly close to your Mum and are still coping far better than you could have imagined, gives me strength and hope that I too continue to cope as well as I am doing now. 

    Thanks so much for sharing. Very best wishes to you.

    Sharon

  • Offline in reply to wasabi66

    Hi again - you're NOT rambling - you will always miss your sister but in time her wicked sense of humour & the things she said will make you smile again as I'm sure she'd want you to. xx

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