Hello I’m so sorry for your loss.

i could have written your post. Mum died just over a week ago only 4 weeks after diagnosis with lung cancer with mets,  and my Dad and I cared for her. We had time to chat and she put her affairs in order.  Her funeral is next week and we went to see her today in the funeral home and I didn’t cry. However in the last 5 weeks I’ve cried nearly every night knowing what was to come and being exhausted but in the end I felt a calm for her that she didn’t suffer months of pain or really any pain actually. I’m wondering when it’s going to hit me too. I am off work at mo. It don’t know when to go back etc.  

Maybe I just can’t believe it at the moment ? 

Thanks for your reply. 

And likewise, I'm so sorry for your loss, and so quick too. 

Yes, that's what I thought...can't believe it. Then I thought at the funeral it will hit home, but it didn't. It's obviously good that we are coping so well, but if your like me, you can't help but wonder if or when things will suddenly hit you. 

I hope the funeral goes well for you all. Thanks for taking the time to reply. 

Hi there - I'm sorry you have lost your mum it's terribly difficult I know. Re: your question about anticipatroy grief - I've had several experiences of this (I'm 67 so have lost quite a few people in my lifetime). I truly believe that it does make things easier when someone finally dies. I've NEVER had what you call a massive fall down afterwards. I think talking with your mum about what was to come helped enormously in terms of your coping afterwards & that's why you managed her funeral etc so well.

The night my mum died a bit less than 2 years ago, I slept really well & actually felt quite peaceful & like you, also a sense of relief because her pain had come to an end.

I think you are coping well & that it will continue for you. I certainly hope so. All the best to you.

Hi.

Thank you so much for your reply. It's really nice hearing others experiences. I know we all cope differently but  it's good to hear other people's views etc.

I'm really hoping that what you've described is the case with me. We had almost 4 months to prepare, discuss, cry, laugh, reminisce etc etc. I guess I just can't believe I'm doing as well as I am. But Mum would be proud of me, I know that much for sure. Just don't want a big come down! 

Thanks again 

You're more than welcome AND I'm very sure your mum would be proud of you. Best wishes.x

Hello every one

Just read theses posts and yes shazzaspecs it sounds like you experienced anticipatory grief as I found out about it after my husband died

In Nov 18 he was given 6 to 9 months to live and he died on 19/1/19,every single day from November I woke up feeling like someone was standing on my chest,it was a deep deep ache,I cried and howled  with grief when Icame home for visiting him in hospital.I couldn’t concentrate , I pranged my car twice through not thinking what I was doing,I just felt as if I was in a living nightmare (something I sometimes feel now), I felt ill

I came upon the term anticipatory grief on this website and it just seem to fit what I was going through

I think this experience changed my reaction to his death, I was literally all cried out, I still grieve ,still cry,still hurt so much inside and feel so alone, not lonely I am lucky to have friends and family,but ALONE,no one to say “did you see that on the tele” and mundane stuff like that, but I miss that sort of thing so much. I still have the occasional meltdowns , caused by unexpected things such as something on TV.

Having experienced anticipatory grief has helped in one way as I got a lot of grieving out of my system before my love died. What doesn’t help is people telling me I am “doing well or being strong” . I want to shout to them well, you should have seen me last December, I was a total wreck 

My best wishes to you all x

Maddy

Hi Maddy.

Thanks for your reply. It's helpful to know maybe that is what I have experienced. It does seem to make sense. Like you say, you go through so much at the time, that when the end comes you are almost at peace with it. But of course, still miss them  so, so much and have times when the tears flow.

I'm so sorry to read what you have gone through, sounds truly awful. I can't even begin to imagine. My very best wishes go out  to you. 

Take care

Sharon

Hi, after reading your post Shazzaspecs I felt I needed to reply. This is the first time I have posted too although I have read many many posts over the years. I am so sorry to hear you have lost your dear mum to cancer, watching someone you love deteriorate before your eyes is a devastating experience. Dealing with your own emotions and theirs is overwhelming but you get through it I don’t know how. Then it’s the grief after, which comes in many forms I know.  I am waiting for it to hit me too. Will it? I have cried and I know it’s early days but I’m scared for what is to come. My younger sister, it would have been her 49th birthday today, passed away in April 2019, she was diagnosed with Glioblastoma, an aggressive brain tumour, in May 2018. We knew from the start it was terminal and were told she had 12 to 18 months to live. Truly devastating as you know. In that year we made so many memories, we were very close. Our mum passed away 15 years ago this year to lung cancer which met to her brain, our dad has dementia and has now moved into a care home and our older sister has Cornelia de Lange syndrome and is living in residential care. My sister and I discussed their care and made decisions together, she sorted all their financial affairs she was much better at it than I! Now I’m having to deal with their grieving and finances I am finding it overwhelming. My sister had surgery for her cancer but was put into an induced coma due to the swelling on her brain , we thought we were going to lose her then but she came through it. Her mobility was affected and over the coming months she was using a wheelchair. Looking back we had so many laughs but we cried too, we talked about everything and anything. We had been through it with our mum, my sister knew how I was feeling so we made the most of every day. On her good days we had days out shopping, afternoon teas, garden centres, list is endless, on the not so good days we just sat together talking and I cherish every single moment.  I gave up work so I could spend the time we had left together. Then she deteriorated. watching my sister suffer was unbearable. I was losing my little sister, how could this be happening?  How were the family going to carry on without her? She had so much to live for and so young. I had never heard of Anticipatory Grief until I read your post and I believe I may have experienced this too. What happens now though? I have surprised myself, I am getting up in the morning. Is overwhelming grief going to hit me or have I already dealt with it? I’m thinking of you today Shazzaspecs, comforting to know I’m not alone xxx

Hi there - what an awful, awful time you have had but I think you have been incredibly brave & I'm absolutely sure you made life so much easier for your sister. Anticipatory grief in my experience, is grief as profound as grief after someone has died & it is for that reason I believe you won't suddenly be hit by anything you find overwhelming. That isn't to say of course that there won't be very difficult times but if you think of a timeline, anticipatory grief begins, quite often, at the point we fully accept that a loved one is going to die. So that when the time finally comes we are at least part of the way thro' the grieving process & sometimes quite a long way thro' it. 

Only you can answer the question whether you have already dealt with it but if you feel you have then the chances are you really have. Don't anticipate anything - just take each day as you find it - don't worry about tomorrow - it will take care of itself. And no, you are not alone. Best wishes. x