hi, I’m new, im a 34 year old woman with three kids and I’m aug of last year I lost my mum. She had nasal pharyngeal cancer and developed osteoradionecrosis which she suffered greatly from, her Illness lasted over the space of ten years. She lost her ability to speak properly due to multiple surgeries and losing a part of her jaw, also she couldn’t eat or drink in the last 5 years so it’s fair to say she lived a pretty crap life in the last few years and she was depressed and didn’t go out much, the staring and whispering got a bit much for her to be honest. Which was understandable, but she was a shell of herself, she was a nurse herself and the bubbliest and most brilliant person you could ever meet. She was so loved. She went into hospital in July with an infection, this was normal, this happened repeatedly and in all honesty we thought she would be fine again but this time it was too much and within the space of six weeks she deteriorated & then died, we got three days to spend with her after then telling us it was just an infection and then they said she wasn’t going to make it & even though she was unwell it was sudden & unexpected. I have spent the best part of that ten years being there, I am an only child so it was always just me and my mum, she met my stepdad and he’s the only real dad I ever had and he treated her like a queen so I can’t fault him. I think I’m just really confused about everything. I feel so guilty as I was pregnant and while she died and it wasn’t an easy pregnancy so I didn’t have as much time for her and I think I made her feel like a burden. She absolutely wasn’t I was just horrible to her at times and I think I let her die feeling like I didn’t love her or care about her when in reality I’d give anything to have her back she was the only person I have ever really had and it kills me every day. My kids are lost without her I have two boys aged 11 and 16 and they still can’t wrap their heads around it. Also the baby who never got to meet her, I get up every day and get on with things for my kids but I feel like I’m just existing, there’s a part of me that’s died with her and all I see is her face when I’m the last minutes in that hospital room. I keep feeling like im going to lose the people I care about and something terrible is going to happen to them and I’m so scared. My partner isn’t close to his mum so he just doesn’t understand why I don’t have the motivation to do anything or be around anyone he isn’t a bad person but doesn’t understand there’s no time limit on grief, I can’t see me feeling any better anytime soon. So it’s pulling us apart. I’m also angry, that’s so bad my mum lived the worst possible life for years and I’m still angry at her forleaving us. I can’t belive she didn’t fight, I expected her to so much cos she’d always done it before.I still sit here and cry almost every day, I am  far from a naive young girl but I keep thinking surely she didn’t just live through all that then that’s the end!? I’m not a religious person but it seems so unfair to think she went through all that pain to close her eyes and be done. It pains me to think that is the case. Im sorry if this post is confusing I suppose I’m just wondering if this is normal to still feel this way after almost a year, & if it gets any better? I feel like I’m living in a trance and I’ll wake up and this will all be a dream.