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Relationship with Father in law following my Dad’s death

Sknight1982
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Hi,

My Dad died of Pancreatic cancer in February. He was diagnosed in May 18, one day before my first child was born. 

Despite being given 2-3 months he lasted 9 and spent lots of time with his granddaughter.

We were close, I looked up to him and have been heavily influenced by my Dad my whole life. I respected him as a husband, father and a man. 

Since he passed, I have found myself growing very resentful and bitter of my Father in law, I feel gutted that my daughter will not benefit from my Dads love and influence. My Dad was very different to my father in law, I do not want to put my father in law down but I find myself growing more and more frustrated with him and my wife has now challenged me on my behaviour.

My relationship with my parents in law has always been good and perhaps I am suffering from the grief process but I would be really keen to understand anyone else’s experience of this and any advice to help me heal this relationship / feeling. 

Thanks. 

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    Hi there ..

    You sound like you have feelings of anger ... that your dad died ... why him ... you needed him, when other dad's are still here ... I think you need some councilling to understand your feelings and why you feel like you do to your father in law ...

    My mum was amazing , and I remember looking at other mums who didn't care or were really miserable and moaned all the time, why where they still here when my wonderful funny mum wasn't... so yes I understand those feelings ...

    But taking it out on your wife's dad isn't fare ... how would you feel if she lost her dad and then was horrible to your dad ... it's not his fault your dad got cancer ... and you said you got on o.k before ... try to turn it around and be happy for your wife, that she doesn't have to go through the pain you are ... 

    If you don't do something you risk, not only loosing your lovely dad ... but I'm sure you'll loose her too .. because if I were her, I'd not put up with it ... so help yourself before things go too far ... 

    I couldn't get my mum back .. but I could make her proud and do things she taught me in life .. be kind .. take life and run with it .. look on both sides of an argument... what would your dad say to you ...

    I love this old saying ... don't cry because you loose someone ... smile because you were blessed to have had them in your life....  you are half of your dad .. he lives in your heart now ... take him with you through life .. take the lessons he taught you .. and do them ... so many never know what it's like to have a wonderful dad ... you had that ... I'm sure he'll be watching over you now ...

    Chrissie x

     

  • Offline in reply to Chriss

    Hi Chrissie,

    Thanks for your reply and advice, I’m very sorry about your Mum. So far taking to friends and work colleagues had helped me work through things but I do think some councilling will benefit me.

    I will also take your advice around my wife and my feelings around anger, making a conscious effort to treat people right.

    Thanks again for your support, I really appreciate it.

     

     

  • Offline

    Hiya

    I can see why you feel bitter towards your father in law. Grief makes us do unreasonable things and the anger can feel overwhelming at times.

    My mum died last month and at the moment I’m fuming with my children’s other grandmothers. My son is from a previous relationship and his father and Grandma have very little to do with my son. He hasn’t seen his dad for 2 and a half years or his Grandma for 18months. My husbands mother has been horrid to me from the moment I meet my husband so I don’t go to see her now but she has never really been a Grandma to my daughter. She really doesn’t put herself out at all. So the upshot of this is that I feel so cross that my mum, who worshipped the absolute bones of them, has been taken away when she would have wanted to spend so much time with the kids but their other Grandparents neglect them!

    Its natural that you feel cheated but I’m sure in time you will enjoy watching your daughter have a lovely relationship with her other Grandad and I’m sure your Dad wouldn’t want you harbouring resentment for anyone else 

    Lx

     

  • Offline in reply to Laura72

    Hi Laura...

    The same thing happened when my mum died .. she dotted on my kids, they were her world .. my then husbands mum and dad never bothered .. so in effect it was like loosing an only grandparent... 

    But 30 years this year mum's been gone .. and my two lads still put pictures of her on their face book page ... they talk about her all the time to their kids .. they never mention the so called other grandparents ... so take heart .. our mum's will be the ones remembered , not them ...

    Chrissie x

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