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Constantly worrying about grief

Jodes
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Hi everyone,

I haven't been on here in some time since losing my Mum to SCLC at the start of the year. A lot has happened yet time feels like it has stopped, even though we're now in June!

Where I am at the moment - awaiting Mum's memorial headstone to be completed for the interment of her ashes at the cemetry (I have some ashes in some jewellery and a tribute at home too). We are looking to gather as a family next month for this. Mum's lovely home has also recently sold and we're going through the motions of the sale. The place is empty and I struggled so much with emptying it and returning there. I just hope the new owners take as much love and attention for the place as she did. It was such a lovely home she made for herself. 

There have been so many hurdles since her passing. Mother's Day, her birthday, my birthday, the house - it's all quite overwhelming when I think of it altogether. But I'm getting through - somehow. I guess she is giving me the strength.

And that's what is worrying me. I haven't broken down as much as I though I would. Yes I have immensely sad days but I feel like I have been coping okay. Am I going to crash and crumble soon? I'm constantly worrying that I'm going to be hit by a tonne of bricks and it will be the most overwhelming feeling of grief I have ever felt. I feel guilty for coping, but I know my Mum would want be to cope - she told me to be strong when she had just days left.

I think a lot of how I am getting through each day now is the fact that I had experienced anticipatory grief. Mum was diagnosed in 2017, went through chemo, radiotherapy - all of it, and we knew deep down the prognosis wasn't good - but we never thought about that and never talked about 'the day'. Mum's health declined rapidly and she picked up pneumonia at Christmas. I was with her right up until her last breath. When I was in hospital watching her move into a comatose state, on the syring driver, I was in so much pain. All of the pain I thought would stay with me today. The pain is there but not as 'sharp' - and not a day goes by when I don't think about her.

The worst for me is night time when I go to bed. I often relive those last few days in the hospital with Mum. This is when I get upset. When I'm alone with my thoughts. The guilt. The anger. But as a new day comes around, I get up, get ready, go to work, go to my fitness classes and 'carry on'. I don't know what's right any more. I don't know what grief is and I don't know if my way of living since my best friend left is that best way to be living.

The thoughts overwhelm me and I do suffer from a generalised anxiety disorder so even more intense. Yet perhaps my medication is helping me to stay 'grounded'. 

There's no real question here, I just needed to let it out somewhere safe.

Thank you x

Jodes

 

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    Hi Jodes

    Firstly, I'm sorry for the loss of your mother, it sounds like you have a great relationship and you were very close. She would have know how much you loved and cared for her.

    I wrote something very similar myself on  another forum. I struggled and in fact to some degree still do of how am I coping when my mother who I loved very much and who I saw everyday who passed away 6 months ago to NSCLC lung cancer. Every day I think to myself how can I be carrying on when my mother is gone. If someone had told me two years ago I would be told my mother was terminally ill and I would watch her detoriate day by day and to watch her die before my eyes, completely unable to make her well again I would have thought I would have been incapacitated, unable to get out of bed and just fall apart.

     

    I've questioned myself over and over why am I not crying? How can I carry on day by day? The guilt is sometimes crippling.

    I don't think there is any right or wrong way to get through it to be honest from reading your post I can see you loved and cared dearly for your mother and I also fully believe our loved ones send us strength to carry on.  You  do what is best for you, I also believe our brain do not allow us to fully process everything at once. 

    Like you I hate being alone, so I keep myself as busy as possible for me this works and I know some people feel you need to let it out but I've tell myself I'm coping with my grief in the best way I see fit, I didn't ask to grieve in this way. I expected to be the one wailing and weeping, unable to carry on maybe in time I will, who knows. I've read everyone grief is unique and not the same. My sister and I have been completely different she cries a lot and I often compare myself to her which I do know is not healthy. 

    I also understand how hard emptying your mother house out is, it's like losing them all over again. Losing a parent and a safe place that is home all in one go, completely heartbreaking. I still cannot venture to the street where my mother lived....

    Sorry I've babbled on but I read your post and thought thats some of how I feel. Just know you're not alone in what you feeling. I do take comfort in the fact my mother would not want me to fall apart and told us to try and be happy so I'm trying my best to do it for her and my children her much adored grandchildren. 

    Take Care x x x x

  • Offline in reply to Cwtch

    Hi there to you both ...

    I lost my mum suddenly from a heart attack and had no chance to even say those things like I was so proud to be her daughter... we were together always .. I was 36 ... 

    I believe we carry them safely in our hearts .. and l know my mum's given me the strength to go on .. things that have happened over the years .. I know she's around ... last time was when I got diagnosed with breast cancer .. from that day I found feathers everywhere .. esp in my bra ... the day I got the result that my grade 3 cancer was contained and low risk of spread... they went ... then we found them around my sister with dementure ... 

    My niece who listened to me telling her .. went home and found a beautiful white feather right in the middle of the room ... l believe we are half of them, and they must have done a wonderful job in teaching us lessons through life ... and because we were with them so much, had no guilt .. hence not crying as much as we'd thought ... 

    I know if this cancer does take me, my close family will be o.k ... I've told them, I'll smile down every time I see them smile ... my mum was my pillow when I cryed ... but oh how she loved to see us laugh ... so please don't think you have to cry all the time .. those that hurt the most, don't need to ... coz their loved one is standing right by them ... with an invisible cord ... that binds a mother and child ... that nothing can brake ...  sending you both a vertual hug.... Chrissie xx

  • Offline in reply to Cwtch

    Hi there to you both ...

    I lost my mum suddenly from a heart attack and had no chance to even say those things like I was so proud to be her daughter... we were together always .. I was 36 ... 

    I believe we carry them safely in our hearts .. and l know my mum's given me the strength to go on .. things that have happened over the years .. I know she's around ... last time was when I got diagnosed with breast cancer .. from that day I found feathers everywhere .. esp in my bra ... the day I got the result that my grade 3 cancer was contained and low risk of spread... they went ... then we found them around my sister with dementure ... 

    My niece who listened to me telling her .. went home and found a beautiful white feather right in the middle of the room ... l believe we are half of them, and they must have done a wonderful job in teaching us lessons through life ... and because we were with them so much, had no guilt .. hence not crying as much as we'd thought ... 

    I know if this cancer does take me, my close family will be o.k ... I've told them, I'll smile down every time I see them smile ... my mum was my pillow when I cryed ... but oh how she loved to see us laugh ... so please don't think you have to cry all the time .. those that hurt the most, don't need to ... coz their loved one is standing right by them ... with an invisible cord ... that binds a mother and child ... that nothing can brake ...  sending you both a vertual hug.... Chrissie xx

  • Offline in reply to Chriss

    So sorry ... it's repeated twice ... think the system is playing up again ... Chrissie x

  • Offline

    Hi Jodes

    It sounds like you are coping. We do all cope very differently, because we are all so different. I lost my mum May of last year and I too went through the anticipatory grief. She only lived for three months after being diagnosed with lung cancer, so it was pretty fast. 

    We have no choice but to carry on with our lives, it's weird, but it does happen. We get up, and get on with our daily lives. It doesn't mean we have forgotten our loved ones, but just that it's really not possible to live the rest of our lives living with debilitating grief to the point we are bed ridden.

    I too have struggled with all of the anniversaries. I'm in Canada, so Mother's day is in May...therefore, this past May was awful as it was also the anniversary of her death. I was in pretty severe pain for the whole month, and then my friends dad died of lung disease so I attended the funeral on the anniversary of my mums death.

    I asked my sister how she got on on the anniversary of our mums death, and she just said "well, I thought about her a few times" or something like that. And my neice didn't even know that the anniversary had even passed (she's 13). So it just goes to show, that even within families there are huge differeneces in how we process the grief. 

    I'm now at a point where I have had to "shelf" the grief. I still haven't fully processed it, it's just too much, too big. But I have to try and focus on my well being now.

    It sounds like you have quite a busy and full life, and that probably helps to keep you grounded. Also, as you mentioned that you are on medication, it's possible that that too is helping you out more than you even realize. 

    All we can do is take things one day at a time, as they say. Anxiety is a beast though, constantly making us worry about the future. We don't know what the future is, so it's best to just get through today.

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