It's been a difficult month, knowing that May is the anniversary of my mums passing. Today is the day she passed last year, and I feel a heaviness and sadness. In fact, I've felt this way for most of this month.

In some ways the pain of losing someone you are so close to does get easier - in terms of not crying heavily several times a day. But in many other ways, it gets harder because I can't talk to her or see her anymore. That a whole part of my life has changed forever. Things like going over to her house and sitting down having a coffee with her. Such a normal, simple act. Something that I did often and was so familiar. Gone. Her house is gone. She is gone. I just miss her so much. 

I find that a year on, the pain is still there. But that now, the support is completely gone. Last weekend was mothers's day (Canada) which partly explains why this whole month has been so painful for me. But my boyfriend was unable to offer me anything. I was crying, saying how much I miss her and he said "I don't really know what to say", and went back to his phone. It was brutal. I felt so completely alone. 

To make matters worse, one of my good friends father passed away on Tuesday of COPD, which is what my mother had (along with lung cancer) and today is the funeral! I went to the viewing last night, and when I got home I cried hard. I'm dreading this funeral. It will be a heavily religious service, and it's a grey rainy day. At least for my mums funeral last year, it was a beautiful sunny day. Somehow that helped. But I have to be there to support my friend. It's just going to be hard.