My mum passed away nov 2018, I’m 19 & her eldest daughter. I’m going to uni to study biology in September and I feel like I’m abandoning my other siblings (4 from 2-16 years old) to grow up without their mother and without me now. My father is around but he works long hours and is very emotionally distant and can be aggressive. I’m scared that immmaking the wrong decision by leaving my siblings to deal with these issues without me, my mother voiced her own concerns about my father raising them but she also told me she wanted me to go to uni. I’m very socially reclusive and this loss has only made it worse, I barely leave the house and I feel like my dad just wants me to be his replacement for my mother. I’m scared to leave and I’m scared to stay and I’m affected constantly by the past. I get flashbacks to seeing my mother have a seizure the last time she was in her house and other horrible moments and I get overwhelmed with dread and fear and every step I think I make to getting better goes nowhere. I’d be suicidal if I didn’t feel so selfish about feeling this way. I’ve contacted mental health services but it’s been a month and I still don’t have an appointment and I don’t have the energy to try again. I feel completely abandoned and afraid and so exhausted and just writing this out I’ve realised how sick of feeling this way I really am. I don’t want to be here anymore